The Question I Couldn't Answer

Welcome back to another episode of Dancing with Depression. I'm your host, Adam Turner. And in today's episode, you're going to hear a voice that might be new to you, but one I first heard around September, 1975. It's a voice that started softly, full of encouragement, support, and love. But as I found my own voice over the years, hers had to get little louder to be heard, often times having to remind me that wisdom, which she had, came from experiences which I hadn't yet had. And if by chance she didn't have a previous experience to draw from, her go-to was, because I said so, and until you start paying the bills, that's all you need to know.Think you know who it is? Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, today's special guest is my mom, who we'll hear from momentarily.So how did we get here? Well, when I started opening up about my depression, I found reflection to be an integral part of better understanding why I was feeling the way I was. How time and experiences were bringing old memories and emotions into sharper focus. That was true for me, and as I've learned, it was also true for my mom.The conversation between my mother and me actually started in the most ordinary way possible. I was at a routine doctor's appointment. My doctor was going through the standard list of questions — my family history of cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure — and then came the one about anxiety or depression or any other mental health diagnosis.That's when it hit me. I didn't know the answer. So, before I left the parking lot, I called my mom. Thought it was gonna be a quick conversation, just to ask if we had any history of depression or if she'd ever taken medication for it, so I could update the doctor during my next visit.But that one simple question opened the door to a much deeper discussion about how she viewed her mental health decades ago and how time and reflection have given her a new understanding of what she was going through back then.So without further ado, let's get into it. A heartfelt, honest conversation between mother and son._______________________________________________ Adam Turner (00:01)Hi, Mom.Alan (00:02)Hi, Adam.Adam Turner (00:04)⁓ you're so nice now that we're recording. That's so lovely. ⁓ Are you ready for this?Alan (00:07)Thank you.Yes, Adam.Adam Turner (00:17)Okay, so we were talking the other day and I was asking you a question about specifically depression, mental health and so on. And you started to answer and then kind of went back. Can you share just a little bit about what you were thinking about when I was asking you that?Alan (00:28)Yes.I don't remember. You were asking me about what again?Adam Turner (00:47)if you had taken any medication specifically for depression.Alan (00:50)⁓Yeah. Well, I think I told you that I had been on something that the doctor prescribed. And at the time, I didn't think I was depressed. And I told him that. But ⁓ he apparently must have thought I was or something was going on.And now that I look back on it, I think I was at some point not depressed enough to want to do myself any harm, but there were certain things going on in my life at the time. And I think that's kind of what was causing it, going kind of...Adam Turner (01:46)Mm-hmm.Alan (01:48)crazy.Adam Turner (01:50)So, I know you've had a lot of things, different things that it could be, but do you remember specifically what was going on around that time?Alan (02:00)Well,I'm thinking that some of the things that were going on was your father and I were having some difficult times. ⁓ I thought, I really thought our 13th wedding anniversary was going to be it.⁓ he, I don't remember exactly some of the things, but he moved out of the house. ⁓ we had some properties that we owned right across the street from where we lived. And he said he needed to.do that. And I, you know, I didn't really understand at the time. And he went over and he stayed out in one of the empty apartments that was across the street. And you know, he was right across the street. So wasn't like if I needed him, he was, you know, he was within reach. But it still made me feel really bad.I says, what did I do? I don't know what I did. I know there was things going on and we went for ⁓ marriage counseling.And we had been to marriage counseling probably about four times at least within our, not all at that time, but kind of throughout.Adam Turner (03:54)Mm-hmm.Alan (04:00)One of the times we went to marriage constantly was to a rabbi.And he was, he was, I thought he was really wonderful. I don't know, I'm not sure what your father thought, but I think he liked him. And we, like I said, we had gone a few different times and each time we went, things seemed to be okay for a while.And I think what the turning point for me was.When I got sick, when I got really sick in 2009.Adam Turner (04:45)Sick with what?Alan (04:46)the multiple myeloma.I knew then that your father was going to be by my side. Sorry.He ...