The Empowerment Dynamic

Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re continuing our conversation from last week about The Drama Triangle. This week, we’re diving deeper into a healthier model, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). You’ll Learn:Unhelpful stories that you might be telling yourself right nowHow our thoughts and beliefs become our reality (and how to use this to your advantage)Questions to ask yourself to determine which roles you fall into mostHow to shift yourself and your family from drama to empowermentWhich roles I default to most and whyIn this episode, you’ll learn HOW to actually switch roles and shift into this healthier dynamic. This is one of those episodes where you may want to grab your journal, answer some questions, and work through where these roles are showing up in your own family. ----------------------------------------In The Empowerment Dynamic, the roles shift from…Victim → CreatorPersecutor → ChallengerRescuer → CoachShifting Into The Empowerment DynamicWe all take on different roles at different times. It’s normal to switch between them (even within a short period of time). But my guess is that there are a couple that you do most often. The challenge for you is to figure out how you act and why. Victim → CreatorBecoming a Creator is about getting creative with how you want to respond to life’s challenges. It is inevitable that we will all experience sadness, pain, and misfortune. But you get to choose the way you look at and respond to these obstacles when they arise.The Victim has a “poor me” mindset. They don't really believe in their own power. They don't take responsibility for the circumstances that they find themselves in. They feel very helpless and trapped, doubt their own capabilities, and look to others to solve their problems for them.You can see how it would be easy for our kids to fall into this role. They’re young, and little, and they do need our help. But there are ways to provide that help and guidance without being a helicopter parent or bulldozing a smooth road for them (which does nothing to help their self-confidence).If you think you or your child might be in a victim mindset, ask:Do you feel helpless?Do you feel like you have power here? Like you can do something about this situation?In the Empowerment Dynamic, we want to shift from the role of Victim into the role of Creator. This shift develops resilience and confidence.The Creator wants to create and be their best self. A creator thinks things like, “I'm good enough. I get to choose how to respond to my life,” and, “I am capable. I have the ability to take care of myself,” and, “I can trust myself. I know that I am worthy of trust.”You can help your child make this shift to believing in their abilities by affirming that:I know you are strong.I believe in your ability to figure this out.This is hard right now, but I know you’re going to be okay.Don’t bypass the feelings. Validate their emotion, show your support, and ask, “What do you want to do now? How do you want to handle this?”If you are in a victim mindset yourself, think about how you can get what you want in a healthy way. Think about times in the past when you have overcome challenges and feel gratitude for your strength in those moments. Persecutor → ChallengerThe shift from viewing someone as a Persecutor requires you to look at them from a more neutral place. Rather than seeing them as “the bad guy”, you see the circumstance as a challenge that you can overcome.And if you are showing up as a Persecutor, this shift has a lot to do with accountability. Rather than judging and blaming others, you have to be willing to look at where you can challenge yourself to improve. The Persecutor operates from the thought of, “They did something wrong.” They often show up as aggressive, judgmental, the bully. They blame or belittle others, they demand things. They may be spiteful or scornful. The Persecutor doesn’t want to take personal responsibility, so they respond with criticism rather than compassion. If you aren’t sure if you’re in the Persecutor role, ask yourself, “Am I blaming someone?”The Challenger is still assertive, but it has more of a leadership energy behind it. Challengers encourage themselves and others to step up and grow so that they become the best person they can be. Where a Persecutor has a lot of guards up, a Challenger is confident that they know what needs to happen, while also recognizing their own shortcomings.Challengers believe that:Every person is going to make mistakes, and that’s okay.We can overcome our mistakes.We are meant to learn and grow.As a parent, you might become your child’s Persecutor when you feel like they need to see that they’re wrong - something is their fault, and they need to take responsibility. You might want to criticize, shame, or punish in order to change the child’s behavior. As a Challenger, you would step up as the leader of your ...