The Critic | The Internet of Useless Things: A love Letter to Silicon Valley’s Hallucinations

Let’s be real for a second. If I told you twenty years ago that in the future, you would have the sum of human knowledge in your pocket, instant communication with anyone on Earth, and robots that could paint like Van Gogh, you would have imagined a utopia. You would have imagined a world of high culture, solved problems, and seamless efficiency.And yet, here we are. The future has arrived, and it’s… stupid.I don’t mean "bad." I mean objectively, hilariously stupid. We have taken the most advanced technology in the history of our species and used it to disrupt the concept of "walking to a taxi" or "turning on a light switch." We have engineers with PhDs from MIT spending their best years figuring out how to make you look at an advertisement for hemorrhoid cream for three extra seconds.Today, we are going to talk about the "Internet of Useless Things" and the great Silicon Valley Hallucination. We are going to strip away the TED Talk inspirational music, the black turtlenecks, and the "making the world a better place" nonsense, and look at what is actually happening.Because, frankly, someone has to say it. The Emperor isn’t just naked; he’s wearing a VR headset and bumping into the furniture.Part 1: The "Smart" Kitchen NightmareLet’s start with the home. Remember when a home was just a place where you slept and ate? How quaint. Now, your home is a "Smart Ecosystem."I love the word "Smart" in tech. It’s the greatest branding lie of the century. In the tech world, "Smart" doesn’t mean "intelligent." It means "connected to the internet for no justifiable reason and vulnerable to Russian hackers."Take the Smart Fridge. Please, explain this to me like I’m five. Why does my refrigerator need a Wi-Fi connection? What is it downloading? Is it streaming a documentary on the history of ice? Is it tweeting about the expiring milk?They sell you this vision that the fridge will scan your groceries, realize you are out of eggs, and order them for you. Has anyone actually had this happen? No. Because to make that work, you have to spend three hours scanning barcodes every time you come home from the grocery store like an unpaid cashier.And then there’s the screen. They put a massive tablet on the door. Because that’s what I want. When I go to the kitchen at 3:00 AM for a shame-snack of cold pizza, I want to be bathed in the blue light of a weather widget telling me it’s raining in London. I don’t live in London.But the absurdity doesn't stop at the fridge. We have the Smart Toaster. The Smart Hairbrush. The Smart Fork—yes, that exists—which vibrates if you eat too fast. Imagine paying two hundred dollars for a utensil that nags you. It’s like having dinner with your mother-in-law, but it runs on batteries.The issue isn't just that these things are useless. It’s that they are liabilities. We have created a world where you can’t make toast because the server is down. We have created a scenario where if your Wi-Fi cuts out, you can’t get into your house because your Smart Lock is buffering.And let’s talk about security. These devices are built with the digital security of a wet paper bag. You buy a cheap smart camera to catch burglars, and suddenly your live feed is being broadcast on a shady website in Eastern Europe. Your smart thermostat is being used as part of a botnet to take down the Pentagon’s website.You wanted a convenient way to dim the lights; you ended up as an accessory to cyber-warfare.And for what? So you can say, "Alexa, turn on the lights," instead of walking four feet to the wall? Is that where we are as a species? Have we optimized our lives so much that lifting an arm to flip a switch is considered an undue burden?We are building a cage of convenience. And the punchline is, we are paying a subscription fee for the privilege.Part 2: AI "Hallucinations" (The Confident Liar)Now, let’s move from hardware to software. Let’s talk about the current darling of the tech world: Artificial Intelligence.Or, as I like to call it, "Mansplaining as a Service."We are told that AI is the new oracle. It’s going to cure cancer, solve climate change, and write our novels. And sure, it’s impressive. It can write a sonnet about a potato in the style of Shakespeare in three seconds. That’s a cool party trick.But have you ever actually tried to rely on it for facts?We call it "hallucinating." That’s the industry term. It sounds almost psychedelic, doesn't it? Like the AI is just having a bad trip. But let’s be real: it’s lying. It is a pathological liar.There was a case recently—you might have heard about it—where a lawyer used ChatGPT to write a legal brief. He asked the AI to find precedents for his case. And the AI, being the eager-to-please sociopath that it is, didn't just find precedents. It invented them.It cited cases like Varghese v. China Southern Airlines. Sounds real, right? It sounds official. It sounds boring. It’s perfect.The problem? It didn't...