The Cost of Submissive Behaviour: When Quiet Isn’t Calm

In today’s solo episode, behaviour specialist and author Andy Baker shines a light on one of the most overlooked behavioural patterns in care and education: submissive behaviour.

When someone is compliant, quiet, or “no trouble at all,” we often assume they’re fine. But beneath the surface, they may be masking distress, emotionally shutting down, or building up stress that will eventually erupt elsewhere.

This episode is essential listening for teachers, parents, and caregivers who want to truly understand the people they support—not just by what they do, but what they hide.

Andy explores the cost of emotional suppression, the danger of unseen stress, and how to spot when “quiet” is actually a cry for help. If you support someone who’s “easy,” “shy,” or never says no—this episode could change everything.

💙 Sponsored by: Carers Card UK

We’re proudly supported by carerscarduk.co.uk/promocode/abletocare

🔗 Resources Mentioned:

• Andy Baker’s Book – Targeting the Positive

• www.able-training.co.uk/podcast

💡 Three Key Messages:

1. Quietness is not always calm—sometimes it’s a trauma response. People may mask distress by appearing agreeable, passive, or withdrawn. It’s not comfort—it’s survival.

2. Submissive behaviour is costly—physically and emotionally. When emotions are repressed long-term, it can lead to chronic anxiety, burnout, and even trauma.

3. Psychological safety allows people to show their true selves. Whether at home, school, or in care, we must create environments where people feel safe to say “no” and express emotion without fear of judgment.

⏱️ Timestamps / Chapters:

• 00:00 – Introduction: The myth of the “quiet, good one”

• 02:05 – Sponsor: Carers Card UK

• 03:00 – Why compliant behaviour often masks distress

• 05:00 – What is masking, and why does it drain emotional energy?

• 06:00 – The physiology of freeze and submit

• 07:00 – The Coke bottle analogy: When pressure builds up

• 08:00 – Why meltdowns happen at home, not school

• 10:00 – How quietness can be a trauma response

• 11:00 – How disassociation shows up in care and education settings

• 12:00 – Spotting the signs: the cost of never saying “no”

• 14:00 – Why we must reframe “no” as a healthy boundary

• 15:00 – Masking exhaustion and emotional burnout

• 16:00 – A story of hidden pain in a school toilet

• 17:00 – Practical signs to look out for

• 18:00 – Supporting safe expression and psychological safety

• 20:00 – What schools and services can do better

• 22:00 – Self-erasure vs. authentic self-expression

• 24:00 – The final message: Notice, name, and nurture the quiet ones

🎯 Why Listen to This Episode:

If you’ve ever worked with or raised someone who “never causes trouble,” this episode might completely shift your perspective.

You’ll learn:

• Why submissive behaviour can be more dangerous than defiance

• How stress builds when there’s no outlet for emotion

• What to watch out for in “easy” children or quiet clients

• How to build safe, trusting environments where true feelings can be expressed

This is a must-listen for teachers, parents, support workers, foster carers, and social care staff who want to offer truly person-centred care and connection—not just good behaviour on the surface.

📲 Connect with Able Training:

🎧 Listen to all episodes: www.able-training.co.uk/podcast 📘 Andy’s book: Instagram – @abletraining

• Facebook – Able Training

• LinkedIn – Andy Baker

• YouTube – Able Training