Do you suffer from "should itis"?

I should exercise more
I should be more productive
I should spend more time with my kids
I should spend more time outside
I should go to bed earlier
I shouldn’t drink so much
I should eat better
I shouldn’t eat so much sugar
I should be happy
I should be more grateful
I shouldn’t be so greedy!
 It shouldn’t take me this long.
I should do better
I should know better
I should BE better

Whatever the “should, or shouldn’ts” are on your list, they always add up to the same thing: “You should be better, you should know better, you’re not doing it right.” It leaves you feeling like you’re not enough as you are.

We have been taught, mistakenly, that if we don't "should" ourselves into action, we will become lazy, useless, worthless lumps. And worse, if we don't "should" ourselves into being good, we won't be good!

The irony is that while we think by shoulding all over ourselves, we’ll get ourselves into action, the opposite happens - we end up feeling  overwhelmed and guilty, which causes us not to do any of the things we think we “should”. 

Feeling guilty and overwhelmed breeds inaction and stagnancy…it keeps you stuck. So, the more you feel like you “should” do something, the less likely you are to actually do it.

There are exactly zero circumstances in which “I should…” is the most specific, accurate, powerful, and useful language to express a thought. 

You could literally stop saying the word should forever, and you wouldn’t be missing anything. There is always a better, more accurate and more helpful linguistic choice.

So, when you hear yourself saying, or thinking, "I should...", get curious.  Where did you learn this should? To whom does this should really belong? Whose voice do you hear when you “should” on yourself this way? Do you actually agree with this should? What are you afraid will happen if you don’t do this thing you’re telling yourself you should do?

It has been drilled into us what we "should" want - by parents, peers, media, society - to the. point where we no longer know what we actually want, and often confuse the two.

Rarely do we say “I should” about stuff we feel totally aligned with, so let the word be a red flag indicating where you’ve internalized something that doesn’t quite feel right, or aligned to you.

Uncovering and exposing our automated “shoulds”, digging into them,  untangling ourselves from the web of self-imposed obligation by getting clear and honest about what you want, is how we become the conscious creators of our lives, the bosses of our brains, the authors of our own stories, and the thinker of our thoughts,

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ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. But, as my guest Coach Lara Dawn helps us understand today, that label is somewhat of a misnomer.  The truth is that ADHD is neither a deficit of attention (actually, people with ADHD have an abundance of attention), nor a disorder. In fact, some people consider ADHD to be a superpower.

Lara is the founder of the wonderful ADHD Village, a community that offers brain-based, science-backed support for families raising children with ADHD.

She supports moms in learning how to eliminate stress while navigating their children’s ADHD, so that they are calm, confident and deeply connected to their children.

ADHD is often misunderstood by the general public. Kids with ADHD are not lazy, or stupid, or slow, or bad.  And, ADHD is not a result of poor parenting. It is simply a brain difference - a neurological diversity.   

Today, Lara shares some of the intricacies of ADHD in the brain, and some insights into what it is like to live with it - about which she has first-hand knowledge. She also shares some tips for parents and educators (again, from her own first-hand experience parenting her 2 boys, who also have ADHD, and her 20+ years as an educator & Special Education Resource Teacher).

Lara also shares details about her upcoming FREE 8-day virtual event, featuring 35+ ADHD experts, Calming the ADHD Family (March 21-28, 2022). This summit will:

• Provide the tools and strategies to stop the fighting and quiet the yelling
• ​Restore your confidence as a parent 
• ​Strengthen your connection as a family

Register through the link below. I am honoured to be part of this event! My interview  will be air on March 22nd. I look forward to seeing you there.

Register for the FREE Calming the ADHD Family Summit

LINKS
Connect with Lara here: https://theadhdvillage.com/
Join the ADHD Village Facebook Group
Connect directly with Lara via email: coachlarad@gmail.com

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If you've ever felt discomfort over a decision you've had to make, tried to justify a choice you've made, or regretted something you've done because you thought to yourself "I don't know why I did that, that's not me!" you have likely experienced cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance Theory was presented by a social psychologist, named Leon Festinger, in 1957.

Cognitive dissonance is a term for the state of mental or psychological discomfort we feel when two or more modes of thought (beliefs, values, or attitudes) contradict each other - when our modes of thought are out of Alignment.
 
We are averse to inconsistencies within our own mind. It’s not comfortable to be at odds, to feel resistance.  Our brain does not like  discomfort. It feels threatened by it. 

So, when we experience this dissonance, our brain goes to work to try to adjust when our thoughts, words, or behaviours seem to clash with each other.

In this episode, we learn about how exactly our brains work to restore alignment, and you'll experience this for yourself in real time as we play with it a bit.

Enjoy!


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Have you ever found yourself staring into the fridge, looking for something that was right in front of your nose all along?

Do you ever wonder why your kids, or students, can't seem to just focus on one thing, or can't hear you when you call their name 100 times, but can remember all the details of what you told them 4 1/2 years ago?

It may have something to do with Selective Attention and Inattentional Blindness.

Adults are quite skilled at focusing on one thing, and disregarding all other "unimportant" information, but it turns out that kids don't share the same level of skill in that area.

Find out more in today's episode.

Happy New Year!




LINKS:

Give it a try for yourself. Click on the videos below, and see how you do.

The Monkey Business Illusion

Selective Attention Cups

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What does "play" mean to you? Do you consider yourself a playful person?
 
Do you engage in play on a regular basis, or are you resistant to play?

Many of us understand that play is good for children's development, but do you know how, or why? Do you know that play is also good for adults?

Play reduces stress, helps strengthen relationships and trust, enhances imagination, develops social skills, and even increases productivity and creativity.

And, it doesn't have to be extensive or extravagant, simple things like putting on a silly hat, making goofy faces, playing fetch with the dog, turning your child's sock into a puppet, sending a funny meme to a coworker, playing charades, or having a laugh with your friend all count as play, and can offer many of the benefits listed above.

Find out more inside today's episode!

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What expectations do you have of your students? Of your partner? Your family? Your friends? Yourself?

I expect my kids to be polite. I expect my students to listen to me. I expect my partner to remember my birthday. I expect my friends to be on time. Sound familiar?

What happens when your expectations are not met? How do you feel?

The problem with having expectations is that they are all about other people. They often originate from a place of wounding, fear, and lack. We impose expectations because we think they will prevent us from being let down. But, in so doing, we relinquish our power to another person. We hand them our happiness and hope they don't drop it.

And, while awaiting the outcome of the expectation, we put ourselves in emotional limbo.  "If you meet my expectation, I'll be happy. But, if you don't, I'll be disappointed. In the meantime, I'll sit here in limbo, not knowing what to feel."  It doesn't make much sense, does it?

But, if we don't have expectations of people, won't they walk all over us? 

Today, as always, I invite you to examine the stories and beliefs you have about expectations, and I offer you an alternative. I invite you to play around with it, try it on, see how it fits.  And, if you like it, and/or find it helpful, please consider leaving a review, to help share it with others who might find it helpful as well.

LINKS
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This week, I was invited onto the Create a Life You Love video podcast hosted by the amazing Chantal Cox. Chantal is a fellow educator and Master NeuroCoachTM, an author, a friend, and a wonderful human being doing great things in the world.

We had a delightful conversation about creating a life we love, and collaborating on an incredible project!

Enjoy!



LINKS

Complete the application to join the Create a Life You Love Coaching Program

Free RRT tapping resource - PDF

Teaching Little Brains Facebook Community

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Sarah Nykoruk Coaching

Create a Life You Love with Chantal Cox

Wait, what?!  Positivity is toxic?

It can be.

Positivity can become toxic when it is used to mask, suppress, avoid, or cover up negative emotions. It's the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset, or put a positive spin on all experiences. It's a "good vibes only" approach to life.

Toxic positivity denies people the authentic support that they need to cope with what they are facing. It paints negative emotions as a failure or weakness.

The problem is that denying certain emotions doesn’t make them go away. In fact, it just causes them to fester and clog up our system - like on a cellular level - causing pain, discomfort, illness, disease, etc. 

Persistent reminders to reflect on ‘how good we have it’ in the midst of strife and struggle don’t make sadness, fear or anxiety dissipate. They discourage, stress out, and piss us off. They make us feel like something is wrong with us because we can’t keep a positive outlook, when (it seems like) everyone else can.

The way that we’re treated gets played out in the way we treat others (for the most part). For example, when educators are being told to have patience and grace and understanding for their students, but that’s not what is being extended to them, they subconsciously perpetuate the false toxic positivity that they are being offered themselves.

Or are you slapping on a happy face, and what for? AND how’s it working for you?

Some tips  include:

• Manage your negative emotions, but don't deny them. Remember, the only dangerous emotion is a suppressed emotion.
• Your feelings provide important information that can lead to beneficial changes in your life.
• Be realistic about what you should feel. When you are facing a stressful situation, it’s normal to feel stressed, worried, or even fearful. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Focus on self-love and taking steps that can help improve your situation.
• It’s okay to feel more than one thing. If you are facing a challenge, it’s possible to feel nervous about the future and also hopeful that you will succeed. Your human emotions are complex 
• Focus on listening to others and showing support. When someone expresses a difficult emotion, don’t shut them down with toxic platitudes. Instead, let them know that what they are feeling is normal and that you are there to listen. 
• Notice how you feel. Following “positive” social media accounts can sometimes serve as a source of inspiration, but pay attention to how you feel after you view and interact with such content. If you are left with a sense of shame or guilt after seeing “uplifting” posts, maybe consider limiting your social media consumption - at least from those accounts.

LINKS

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