Stop Chasing Love, Start Building Great Relationships to Unlock True Affection - Ted Santos

Show Notes – “Why You Can’t Find Love (And How to Fix It)” **Podcast:** *The Relationship Reset* 🎧 Quick Overview In this eye‑opening episode, host **Mitzy welcomes back the blunt‑spoken relationship strategist **Ted**—author of the best‑selling *Here’s Why You Can’t Find Love*. Ted dives deep into the hidden economics of divorce, the biology that tricks us into thinking we’re “in love,” and the practical skill‑set you need to build **great relationships** before you can expect love to show up. --- ### ⏰ Chapter Markers | Time | Topic | |------|-------| | **0:00** | Intro & grounding breathing exercise | | **2:15** | Meet Ted – why he wrote the book | | **4:30** | The cost of divorce: $300 B lost productivity + $30 B taxpayer burden | | **7:45** | How “love” is actually a **by‑product** of a solid relationship | | **11:20** | “Skills & competencies” needed to be a relationship “CFO” | | **15:00** | The oxytocin vs. testosterone imbalance – why men & women bond differently | | **19:40** | The “radio station” metaphor – how our internal narrative drives outcomes | | **23:10** | Historical dig‑dig: 1700s England, 1920s flappers, 60s sexual revolution – why “choosing your own partner” backfired | | **28:45** | The myth of “love languages” – why they’re more chemistry than connection | | **33:20** | Listening & “affectionate listening” – practical tools for real‑time negotiation | | **38:00** | The “game” trap – why players have skills because they must, not because they’re better | | **42:30** | Parenting & matchmaking – can parents help raise “relationship‑ready” kids? | | **46:15** | Q&A – from “rules of engagement” to “how to shift from sex‑only to relationship” | | **53:00** | Closing thoughts – actionable steps + where to get the book | *(Times are approximate; the episode runs ~58 min.)* --- ### 📌 Key Takeaways 1. **Divorce isn’t just personal—it’s an economic crisis.** - $300 B in lost workplace productivity + $30 B in social‑service costs every year. 2. **Love is a symptom, not a strategy.** - Build the relationship first (communication, finance, health, child‑rearing compatibility). 3. **Treat relationships like a job.** - If you wouldn’t hire a CFO without finance credentials, don’t expect a partner to succeed without relationship “competencies.” 4. **Biology tricks us.** - Women’s oxytocin spikes quickly, men’s testosterone dampens it. Understanding this prevents mis‑aligned expectations. 5. **Your “radio station” (internal narrative) determines your reality.** - Re‑program the story you hear (e.g., “men always cheat” vs. “I can attract a respectful partner”). 6. **Listening > Talking.** - Active, affectionate listening = the fastest way to negotiate needs and avoid assumptions. 7. **“Game” is a survival skill, not a sign of worthiness.** - Women who chase “players” often overlook deeper compatibility and end up unsatisfied. 8. **Parents can shape a child’s relationship readiness.** - Introducing “compatibility literacy” early reduces the odds of future “dead‑end” pairings. --- ### 🗣️ Notable Quotes - **“Love has nothing to do with creating a great relationship. Love is a by‑product of a great relationship.”** – Ted - **“If you don’t have the skills to be a CFO, you don’t expect to be hired as one.”** – Ted (relationship analogy) - **“We all wake up to a radio station we didn’t choose; we can change the frequency.”** – Ted --- ### 👤 About the Guest **Ted** – Author of *Here’s Why You Can’t Find Love*. - International speaker on relationship psychology & workplace productivity. - Combines data‑driven research (divorce economics, neurobiology) with real‑world coaching. - Former business consultant turned full‑time relationship strategist. **Connect:** - **Website:** [Insert URL] - **Twitter:** @[InsertHandle] - **Book:** *Here’s Why You Can’t Find Love* – available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and all major retailers. --- ### 📚 Resources Mentioned | Resource | Why It Matters | |----------|----------------| | **Book:** *Here’s Why You Can’t Find Love* | Full dive into the research, stories, and action plan. | | **Research:** “Divorce costs $300 B in productivity loss” – (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2022) | Shows why corporate culture must address personal lives. | | **Article:** “Oxytocin vs. Testosterone: How Hormones Shape Bonding” – *Psychology Today* (2021) | Quick read on the neurochemical differences discussed. | | **Tool:** “Affectionate Listening Cheat Sheet” – PDF (link in episode description) | Practical prompts for better conversations. | | **Podcast Episode:** *The Economics of ...