Chances are, there’s something in your life you feel deeply ashamed about—something you’ve never told anyone, something you can’t even admit to yourself. In this episode, we go deep into the emotion we all experience but almost no one wants to talk about: shame. Where it comes from, why it’s so powerful, how it screws up our lives—and more importantly, how to deal with it.

We cover the biology of shame, the psychology, the evolutionary roots, and how modern life (especially the internet) completely messes with our shame systems. We talk about healthy vs. toxic shame, how it shows up in addiction, relationships, perfectionism, and self-sabotage, and why most of us either try to hide from it or end up being controlled by it. You’ll also hear from members of my team about how shame shaped their lives in surprising ways.

As always, this episode is brutally honest, deeply researched, and sprinkled with a few bad jokes. But more than anything, I hope it gives you the awareness—and the tools—to start facing whatever it is you’ve been avoiding. Because you can’t outrun your shame. But you can learn to live with it.

We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/shame

Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join the Solved Community, a group of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/shame

Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough

Chapters

00:00:00 Introduction

00:04:35 Chapter 1: Shame's Hidden Architecture

00:14:38 Chapter 2: Key Definitions

00:18:32 Distinguishing Shame from Guilt

00:20:49 State Shame vs. Trait Shame

00:21:47 Shame vs. Embarrassment and Humiliation

00:24:03 Shame, Trauma, and their Interrelationship

00:25:14 Chapter 3: The Neurobiology of Shame

00:29:56 The Shame Spiral

00:36:04 The Learning Paradox of Shame

00:44:12 Chapter 4: The Shame Compass

00:47:33 Personal Experiences with Shame

00:49:21 Workaholism as a Coping Mechanism

00:59:13 The Allure of Shamelessness

01:01:15 Chapter 5: Individual, Familial, & Cultural Sources of Shame

01:11:05 Geographical Impact on Shame

01:13:08 Cultural Values and Shame

01:14:35 How the Greater Culture Shapes Shame

01:26:12 Chapter 6: Digital Technology & Shame 2.0

01:28:02 The Digital Divide

01:31:05 The Relationship Between Technology and Anxiety

01:33:55 Protection Strategies

01:39:21 Chapter 7: Developmental Stages of Shame

01:40:19 Understanding the Origin of Shame

01:42:57 The Role of Parenting in Shame Development

01:56:49 Chapter 8: How Therapy Transformed Our Understanding of Shame

02:01:06 Carl Rogers and the Safety Revolution

02:07:31 Albert Ellis and the Cognitive Revolution

02:11:58 The Influence of Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers

02:13:31 The Emergence of Reparenting and Inner Child Work

02:17:18 The Rise of Internal Family System

02:20:24 Brene Brown's Work on Shame

02:27:59 Chapter 9: Tools to Address Your Shame

02:40:19 Stoic Principles for Perspective

02:47:05 Perspective Shifting Techniques

02:58:26 Chapter 10: Tuning Your Shame System

03:10:39 Recognizing Unsustainable Shame Patterns

03:16:28 Kristen Neff's Self-Compassion Framework

03:25:33 Understanding Shame as Obsession and Resentment

03:29:53 Overcoming Shame and Personal Growth

03:31:39 Takeaways from the Discussion on Shame

03:40:40 Conclusion and Thanks

Everyone’s obsessed with being happy—but what if that obsession is the very thing making us miserable? In this episode of Solved, Drew and I explore what actually makes us feel good—and why most of us are chasing it in all the wrong ways.

We unpack what philosophers like Aristotle and the Buddha got right thousands of years ago—and how modern science is just now catching up. We talk about hedonic vs. eudaimonic happiness, why more money and status don’t necessarily move the needle, and why most self-help advice completely misses the point. Happiness isn’t something you get. It’s a side effect of doing the right things for the right reasons.

So, if you're tired of chasing "more" and ready to actually feel a little less miserable, this one’s for you.

We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/happiness

Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join Momentum, a community of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/happiness

Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough

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Chapters:

0:00 Introduction

10:42 Chapter 1: The Origins of Human Happiness

11:04 Hedonia vs Eudaimonia

15:11 Epicureanism

23:20 Eastern Perspectives

27:15 Modern Happiness Research

29:30 Chapter 2: The WEIRD Problem: When Happiness Research Goes West

40:47 Chapter 3: The Three Components of Happiness

46:44 Hedonic Adaptation

59:53 Chapter 4: What Does—and Doesn't—Make Us Happy

1:00:35 Drugs and Alcohol

1:07:23 Sex

1:15:09 Money

1:23:10 Fame and Status

1:37:26 Geography and Environment

1:39:51 Love and Relationships

1:41:19 Friendships

1:44:04 Having Children

1:49:10 The Experiencing vs. Remembering Self

1:52:53 Chapter 5: Baseline vs. Circumstantial vs. Intentional Happiness

1:53:35 Genetics

1:59:50 Circumstances

2:02:16 Intentional Actions

2:06:13 Relationships

2:10:51 Gratitude

2:13:13 Altruism

2:18:47 Experiences vs. Stuff

2:22:12 Implementing Intentional Happiness

2:24:21 Chapter 6: Don't Pursue Happiness; Remove Unhappiness

2:29:05 Social Comparison

2:31:30 Maximizers vs. Satisficers

2:34:19 Chapter 7: How Happiness Changes Across the Lifespan

2:51:44 Chapter 8: Happiness Myths

3:04:47 Chapter 9: The 80/20 Guide to Happiness

3:16:22 Lessons Learned

What are emotions? Why do we feel anything at all? And more importantly — can we actually get better at feeling?

In this episode, Drew and I dive headfirst into what might be the hardest question in all of psychology: what the actual f**k are emotions? We break down the biology, neuroscience, evolution, culture, and even language that shape how we feel — and why we often don’t understand what the hell is going on inside us. From ancient philosophy to brain scans, this is a deep (and occasionally weird) look into the emotional chaos that makes us human.

We unpack everything from the origins of emotional intelligence (spoiler: it might be BS) to the science of emotional regulation, attachment styles, and the sneaky ways your culture wires your emotional defaults. Along the way, we explore why some relationships make you feel like a better person while others drain the life out of you, and how trauma, genetics, and childhood with your ability to keep it together.

But this episode isn’t just about understanding emotions — it’s about learning how to work with them. And we give you a full emotional toolkit: a set of evidence-based tools to help you manage your emotions, build better relationships, feel more motivated, and yes — even feel more confident in yourself in the process.

We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/emotions

Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join Momentum, a community of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/emotions

Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough

Chapters:

0:00:00 Introduction

0:04:47 Chapter 1: What Are Emotions?

0:14:04 The Emotional Brain

0:22:03 Neurotransmitters

0:34:25 Evolution of Emotions

0:39:53 How Life Experiences Shape Emotional Regulation

0:48:41 Conclusion on What are Emotions

0:49:45 Chapter 2: How Culture Influences Our Emotions

0:55:44 Vietnam Bike Story

1:00:05 Your Culture Trains You to Want Certain Feelings

1:06:00 Culture Decides Whether Suppression is a Superpower or a Liability

1:07:56 Paradox of Emotional Conformity

1:16:36 How Language Shapes What You Feel

1:29:23 Emotional Complexity

1:36:25 Your Emotions Are Social Currency

1:43:00 Conclusion to Culture defines our emotions

1:44:08 Chapter 3: Historical and Philosophical Traditions on Emotions

1:57:21 Modern Culture

1:59:00 Chapter 4: The Four Schools of Emotional Regulation

2:00:56 The Heart

2:08:55 The Head

2:18:37 The Soul

2:28:50 The Body

2:36:23 The Integrated Toolkit

2:48:25 Chapter 5: Brilliant or Bullshit: Emotional Intelligence

2:57:31 Chapter 6: Relationships and Emotional Regulation

3:09:54 Attachment Theory

3:27:29 Toxic Relationship

3:36:49 Building Emotional Compatibility

3:51:24 Conclusion Relationships

3:57:24 Chapter 7: 80/20

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