Practice Baby

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NIGHT WATCHMAN (reading):
“Betsy Wetsy. Vintage baby doll.
A ‘practice baby’—a caretaking toy reflecting changing ideas about childhood play and domestic life…”

NARRATOR:
He pauses, as if the next line might argue back.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (continuing):
“Please do not touch the exhibits.”
That last part—I wrote myself.

[SFX: Another tiny plastic creak.]

BETSY WETSY (bright, polite, slightly prim):
Mr. Smith.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (not surprised, just tired):
Evenin’, Betsy.

BETSY WETSY:
You’re reading it incorrectly.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
I’m reading what it says.

BETSY WETSY (pleasantly firm):
Yes. Incorrectly.

NARRATOR (smiling):
Betsy Wetsy has the tone of someone who has been misunderstood by history…
and would like to speak to the manager of time.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
All right.
What’s the complaint tonight?

BETSY WETSY:
The label suggests I am… novelty.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
It says “caretaking toy.”

BETSY WETSY:
That is correct.
A caretaking toy is not a novelty.
A caretaking toy is training.

NARRATOR:
The Night Watchman looks at the bottle.
Then the diaper.
Then the “no demonstrations” sign he definitely wrote after “The Incident.”

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Betsy… I’m gonna say this kindly.
If you’re about to make a point that requires…
liquid proof…
the answer’s no.

BETSY WETSY (innocent):
Mr. Smith.
I am a lady.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
A lady with plumbing.

BETSY WETSY (cheerful):
A lady with realism.

NARRATOR:
And there it is—Betsy’s proudest word.
Realism.
Because dolls like Betsy weren’t only meant to be held.
They were meant to be managed.
They turned play into a routine: bottle, burp, diaper, lullaby.
Not just “pretend you have a baby,” but “pretend you have a schedule.”

BETSY WETSY (warmly instructive):
I taught responsibility.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
You taught somebody to carry a spare outfit.

BETSY WETSY:
That is responsibility.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (dry):
That’s also… preparedness.

BETSY WETSY (proud):
Exactly.

NARRATOR:
If you’ve never met Betsy Wetsy, here is the simplest way to say it:
she was designed as a “practice baby”—a doll built to imitate baby care in an era when toys were becoming more lifelike, more interactive, more… convincing.
And for a certain kind of childhood, she became a rite of passage.
A tiny domestic universe with a bottle as the sun.

BETSY WETSY (softly pleased):
I was beloved.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
You were… frequently cleaned.
BETSY WETSY:
That is also love.

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