There’s a very specific kind of loneliness that can happen when you’re dating someone who’s already partnered.

The connection can be real. The feelings can be real.
And still… something feels off.

If you’re navigating non-monogamy as a solo person, especially when you’re dating someone who already has an established partner, this episode is for you.

Because this dynamic can be beautiful… and also confusing, activating, and quietly painful if you don’t have language for what’s happening.

In this episode, we’re talking about:
→ Why you can feel deeply connected and still feel lonely
→ The difference between choosing this dynamic vs. settling for it
→ How your needs can change as you get more emotionally invested
→ Why early dating is still early dating (even in polyamory)
→ The impact of couple’s privilege (and how to recognize it)
→ How to advocate for your needs without overcompensating
→ Why you have to date what’s actually available… not potential
→ What it looks like when this dynamic is actually healthy

And most importantly… How to stop centering couplehood as the only way to feel loved, supported, and fully met.

This episode is about staying anchored in yourself, even when the connection is strong.

Because you don’t have to become the “cool, low-maintenance partner” to make this work.

And you don’t have to convince yourself that less is enough.

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Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever found yourself holding feelings about a relationship… that technically isn’t even yours?

Like your partner shares something about their other partner…and suddenly you f eel protective… or tense… or a little off around someone you didn’t have an issue with before?

Yeah… that’s usually a communication triangle.

In this episode, I’m breaking down how triangulation actually shows up in non-monogamy, why it’s so easy to fall into, and how it can quietly create tension and distortion in your relationships.

We talk about the difference between venting and processing, the “emotional telephone” effect, and how to stop carrying emotional weight that was never yours to hold.

And I share one of my favorite grounding practices for this:
✨ stay in your lane, stay in your truth ✨

Because when communication gets cleaner, your relationships get lighter, clearer, and way more sustainable.

💜 In this episode, we get into:

• What communication triangles actually are (and how to spot them)
• Why triangulation happens so easily in polyamory
• How emotional “telephone” creates misunderstanding and tension
• The difference between venting and processing (with real examples)
• How we accidentally recruit partners into conflict
• A simple practice to clean up your communication: stay in your lane, stay in your truth
• How to stop carrying emotional dynamics that aren’t yours

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if the thing you thought made you “too much”… was actually the doorway to deeper connection, more honest relationships, and a whole lot more pleasure?

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by writer and poet Kate Heskett, whose story appears in the new anthology Pillow Talk, a collection of real, raw, awkward, and hilarious experiences of sex, intimacy, and desire.

Kate shares what it was like to show up alone to their very first swingers hotel takeover, the anxiety, the curiosity, and the unexpected validation of finding people who see the world the way they do.

We talk about what happens when monogamy never quite made sense, the messy transition into non-monogamy, and what it actually looks like to build “love-first” relationships without rigid rules.

In This Episode, We Cover:

→ What a swingers hotel takeover is really like (beyond the fantasy)
→ The anxiety and courage of showing up alone to your first lifestyle event
→ Kate’s story “Pineapples in the Snow” and what it represents
→ Growing up feeling “wrong” and trying to fit into monogamy
→ The transition from monogamy to non-monogamy (and why it can be messy)
→ What “love-first” non-monogamy looks like in real life
→ Navigating triad dynamics, distance, and communication
→ Compersion, voyeurism, and different turn-ons in open relationships
→ Why real, honest stories about sex and relationships matter

About Kate Heskett

Kate Heskett (they/them) is an award-winning poet, writer, and canoe guide based in Whistler, BC. Their work has been published in Pique and The Lupine Review, and they are a contributing author in the anthology Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward.

Their story, Pineapples in the Snow, shares their first experience at a swingers hotel takeover, exploring risk, desire, and the powerful validation of finding community.

Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward. is an anthology featuring 18 writers sharing frank, funny, and deeply human stories about intimacy, desire, and the moments we don’t usually talk about.

From awkward encounters to moments of joy and self-discovery, this book helps normalize the full spectrum of human experience.

👉 Grab the book + leave a review to help these stories reach more people

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Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237