Matrescence with Dr. Angele Close

Dr. Angele Close is back to talk with me more about matrescence - the transformation and experience of becoming a mother. Motherhood comes with so many changes, identity shifts, frustrations, overwhelm, delight (I could go on all day). You’ll Learn:What matrescence isHow the transformation of motherhood looks different at different stages of lifeCommon experiences and struggles of matrescencePractical strategies for processing the changes you’re going throughWhy it’s so hard for moms to give validation to themselves.It’s a big deal to become a parent! We are forever changed by the experience. Today, we’re diving deeper into what it means to go through this process, how it changes us, how it's like adolescence, and the beautiful gifts that come with becoming a mom. ------------------------------------As you may remember from our previous conversations, Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher who draws on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of healing and transformation to support maternal mental health and well-being. She helps mothers navigate the identity shifts of matrescence, releasing perfectionism and shame so they can embrace motherhood with greater self-compassion, confidence, and joy. Dr. Angele is also a mother of 3 teens and the author of Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom.Transformational StagesWe all go through certain periods of transformation in our lives. Two of the biggest are adolescence and matrescence, and Dr. Angele shared some comparisons between them. She says that each of these is a transformational journey that every woman who becomes a mother will experience. Just as your body, identity, and friendships change during adolescence, your mindset, identity, career, and relationships also change over the course of motherhood. And while we all go through this transformation, every person’s experience is unique. Matrescence begins in the moment that you start thinking, “I think I want to be a mother” (or, “Oh shit, I’m going to be a mother!”). And it lasts as long as you are a mother.Because this covers such a wide range of time and experiences, it can also help to pinpoint where you are within matrescence:Emerging motherhood Early motherhoodLate motherhoodPost-motherhood (this is where I am right now)Depending on your stage of matrescence, there are some common patterns and experiences that Dr. Angele has seen come up for moms. Fantasy v. RealityThis is a big one in early motherhood. Chances are, you had a vision in your mind of what it would be like to be a mom. Maybe it was carried with you from childhood, when you pretended to be a mom to your dolls. Personally, I had a vision of strolling down Venice Beach in a cute outfit with my nails done and perfect hair. I had no idea what it was actually going to be like. The lived reality of motherhood is usually a bit different from the visions in our heads. Suddenly, you’re dealing with sleep schedules, feeding schedules, figuring out how to manage your time and energy in a whole new way. There’s a heavy mental load, lots of new demands, and you’re mentally and physically exhausted. The next thing you know, you haven't showered in days, you forgot to brush your teeth, haven't put a bra on, and can't figure out how to get you and your kid(s) out the door.It can be a little bit of a rude awakening compared to that vision of walking along the beach looking beautiful with the wind blowing in your hair! You probably realize that there are parts of momming that you don’t like. And then you feel like a bad mom. When you’re early on in matrescence (the first 4-5 years), it’s kinda like early adolescence. It feels awful, you don’t know who you are, and you’re confused about what you’re supposed to be doing, what matters, and what doesn’t. That confusion of identity leads us to…The Inner SplitMatrescence isn’t just about schedules and the demands of motherhood. It is a full transformation of identity. Matrescence can be really uncomfortable and isolating. You might feel torn between who you were as a woman and who you are becoming as a mom. Between what you want and the limitations that you’re facing. Dr. Angele explains that most moms make their child a priority, which is natural because babies are so dependent on us for survival. But as time goes on and our inner needs and ambitions are constantly sacrificed, that stuff starts to bubble up and seep out. You might start to test the waters by mentioning the way you’re feeling to family or friends. And too often, it’s invalidated or responded to negatively. When you’re afraid of not being seen as a “good” mom, you’re less likely to be honest about what you’re going through. And social media doesn’t help. Those curated feeds give you the idea that you’re supposed to look or act a certain way. So you think, “Oh, I guess I...