Large Adult Pool

On this week's Keepin' It Real, Cam's visit to a hotel on the Gulf this wekend got Cam to thinking about how some people, well, they just don't get it...

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Tuesday I checked into a hotel in Gulf Shores at the Gulf State Lodge. “Where is the free parking?” I asked. “We don’t have any. You can pay to park or pay a little extra and I’ll park it.” This is the bell staff at the front door. I handed him my car key. “Where is a luggage cart? I have a bunch of stuff to get to my room for my workshop tomorrow.” “Guests aren’t allowed to use luggage carts. Only bell staff.” “So for me to take my stuff to my room I’d need to take multiple trips?” I asked. “Yes. But you can’t leave your stuff here.” “So the only way to comply is to ask you to assist me to my room.” “Something like that. We only allow bell staff to move luggage. Guests can’t move their own luggage.” I’m not liking this. Southern hotels confuse politeness with hospitality. He was very polite. He was not hospitable. What this hotel is thinking is customer service is to me nothing but angling for tips and making my trip more expensive. I’m not happy but trying to not let it get to me. My wife has me writing a gratitude journal because, apparently I’m good at noticing when things conspire against me.

The bellman walked my luggage and me to my hotel room and I’m working to change my first impression. Gratitude, I’m repeating to myself. Gratitude. Along the way he pointed to some construction happening between the hotel and the water’s edge and he shared that if I were to come back in the spring my room would overlook a new large adult pool. Oh, man. Did you hear it? This was it. This was going to change things. A dangling modifier. Oh MAN. This is fuel of bad dad jokes. This is candy for self-appointed funny people like me. For centuries dads have pounced on dangling modifiers to get chuckles from strangers and eye rolls from family. The bellman’s laughter would completely change how I felt about this hotel.

My mind quickly began preparing. The timing and delivery had to be perfect. I started thinking forward to how and when and where. The bellman helped me into my hotel room and unloaded his sacred luggage cart. I walked to the window and pulled back the curtain. It was time. “So,” I said, “next spring if I were to check in this room and pull back the curtains just like this, I’d get an eye-full or large adults? I’m not so sure I’d want that. Certainly not want to pay extra for that view.” There it was. So well done. Masterfully delivered.

I could see no scars around his face or head where his humor had been surgically removed but that could be the only explanation. “No,” he said, “the pool will be large. It will be a large pool.” I gave him twenty dollars, and he turned and pushed his sacred cart into the hall. “Thank you,” he said, stuffing the money into his pocket. He thought it was a tip, but I was paying him to go away.

I’m Cam Marston just trying to Keep it Real.