It’s Not Them, It’s You: The Secret to Calmer Parenting and Teaching

Have you ever overreacted to someone’s behaviour—and later realised it wasn’t really about them at all? In this powerful solo episode of the Able to Care Podcast, host Andy Baker introduces The 90% Rule: the idea that most of our emotional reactions are shaped by our own wiring, history, and unmet needs. Drawing from psychology, trauma theory, and real-life care scenarios, Andy explores how self-awareness is the key to better relationships, improved emotional regulation, and compassionate caregiving.

Whether you're supporting children, older adults, or navigating life as a parent, teacher, or carer—this episode gives you the tools to pause, reflect, and respond with insight instead of instinct.

🎯 Sponsored By: Carers Card UK

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🔗 Resources Mentioned

• Book: Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

• CBT ABC Model by Albert Ellis

• Polyvagal Theory by Dr. Stephen Porges

• Andy’s Book: Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge

• Carers Card UK: https://carerscarduk.co.uk/promo-code/abletocare

🔑 Three Key Messages

1. 90% of our emotional reactions are internal. Understanding our own history and beliefs helps reduce conflict and escalation in caregiving.

2. Emotional regulation is teachable. Techniques like pausing, breathing, and trigger journaling can help shift from reaction to reflection.

3. It’s not weakness—it’s wisdom. Recognising your own triggers allows you to model emotional intelligence for those you care for.

⏱️ Episode Chapters

• 00:00 – What is the 90% Rule?

• 02:00 – The science behind unconscious reactions

• 04:00 – CBT’s ABC Model explained

• 05:00 – Polyvagal theory & stress responses

• 06:00 – Real-life examples from care, teaching, and parenting

• 08:00 – Why pausing beats reacting

• 10:00 – Practical tools for reflection and self-regulation

• 12:00 – Modelling emotional intelligence & setting boundaries

• 13:00 – Reflective prompts for your own 90%

🎧 Why Listen?

If you’ve ever snapped, felt ashamed of your reactions, or wished you could better manage your emotions around those you support—this episode is for you. Andy offers down-to-earth guidance rooted in lived experience, behaviour theory, and practical psychology. Ideal for carers, educators, parents, and frontline workers who want to care with more awareness and less burnout.

🔗 Follow and Connect

• Instagram: @AbleTraining

• TikTok: @AbleToCare

• LinkedIn: Andy Baker

• Website: Able-Training