Homework is a time of frustration in many families. And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework. In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues. Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur - two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be. Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder.

Time Stamps

3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little

4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements

6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective

6:50 Family value of doing things together as a family

Children avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them.

• The child may have difficulty admitting that they made a mistake

9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott

10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement

11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent

14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming

15:20 The pressure of parenting

16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts

17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different

18:40 The many uses of mindfulness

23:03 What to do when your child refuses to do school work

• Give your child information about what happens to them
• Put it on paper so it is tangible and visual

26:08 Many kids don’t want to talk about a past situation that didn’t go well

27:00 Homework is an opportunity to “see” who your child is and to help them understand themselves

28:15 Assess why is your child struggling with homework

31:30 Transitions may be challenging for kids with ADHD

32:40 Being seen and understood creates connection between parent and child

• Connection is the opposite of feeling shame

34:03 Helping your child when they make a mistake and get upset

• “Can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”
• “That really threw you into emotion mind”
• Ahead of time, “are you prepared to make some mistakes” or “can you handle making a mistake today”

37:44 Going to school for the neurodivergent child is extra exhausting. Some accommodations may be needed to create an environment that is supportive

39:20 New ideas and strategies may be refreshing in a the family dynamic

40:42 Keys to parenting when homework is problematic

42:30 Defiance is not the measure of being a bad parent. Remember defiance is helping you understand your child

Leslie-ism: Don’t try harder, try different!

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and

As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic. They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting. This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief. And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working.

Time Stamps

3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos

5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child

5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would have

• Comparison to other children or other families
• Acknowledge the child you have

8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves

11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaos

Description of the morning "chaos"

14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtful

• Parents can reframe the behavior from a negative to an alternative interpretation

17:10 Rewards - how to make them work and why they stop working

• Change them often
• Intermittent reinforcement works very well to establish a behavior
• Don’t work harder than your child
• Keep the small and specific

24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT - focus on the brainstorming step

26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on.

26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD:

• balance boards and movement
• Fidget toys
• Drawing and doodling

28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day

29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it?

29:55 Two acceptance strategies: compassion and taking a breath

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way.

Resources:

A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryon

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is an overwhelming job with endless meals, cleanups, and activities. But on top of that, there’s the general overwhelm we're all feeling in our current world, and there are skills you can learn to help manage that daily overwhelm. In this episode Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Kiki Fehling. Dr. Kiki Fehling, a licensed psychologist, DBT expert, author and speaker, discusses the transformative impact of DBT on her life and the lives of her clients. Together Leslie and Kiki focus on specific DBT skills that can directly help parents who feel overwhelmed, including Mindfulness, TIPP, and Opposite Action Skills which can help both you and your children.

Time Stamps

3:05 Why Kiki is committed to getting DBT resources out to the public

5:13 Distinguishing between DBT Therapy and DBT Skills

• The four Modules of DBT
• These are life skills to help you deal with the hard parts of life

7:15 How do we talk to parents about the overwhelm

• Start with mindfulness
• Definition of mindfulness
• Increasing one’s awareness of the Overwhelm

11:10 Jon Kabat Zinn’s Quote: “if our lives depended on our awareness of our breathing we’d all be dead

12:48 Mindfulness is the foundation of DBT

13:00 TIPP Skills to help us regulate our nervous system

• 13:25 Paced Breathing Skill
• 14:48 Tip your Temperature - mammalian Dive Reflex
• 16:48 Intense Exercise
• 17:47 Progressive Muscle Relaxation

19:46 Opposite Action Skill

24:50 Dealing with Overwhelm

• Using your TIPP Skills IS Opposite Action

25:25 Start with yourself: Model it and that teaches your child to cope

• Co-regulation is when the parent calms themselves down

27:06 Kids are growing up with Mindfulness as an everyday word

28:55 “ Living Therapeutically” is Leslie’s term for a way of living without therapy that continues to help you learn and grow (a newsletter will be coming soon on this)

Leslie-ism: Practice Naming Your Emotions

Resources:

Dr. Kiki Fehling’s Website

• Self-Directed DBT Skills: 3 Month DBT Workbook
• DBT Cards for Coping Skills
• Kiki Fehlings Tik Tok @dbtkiki
• Kiki Fehling Instagram.

TIPP Skills from DBT Therapy Handout

• Tip your Temperature Video
• Intense Exercise Video

Opposit Action Skills Video from DBT Therapy

Jon Kabat Zinn’s Website

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and