Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily. Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years. They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect.

Time Stamps

4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting

7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity

8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg

8:48 #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening

8:54 #2 goal - give you skill and strategies

9:01 Assumption: She’s doing the best she can at the present time

9:58 Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING

16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger

16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going on

It's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking

18:40 Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings

19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room to help someone talk

21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talk

• Give her space and time
• Invite her to share when she’s ready
• Validate and give her a moment- this lets her know you are there
• Use statements rather than questions
• Warning: don’t add the BUT
• Using rating scales

29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child

34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations

36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold”

39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective

41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotions

Resources:

Handout on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia

Video of how to get someone to open up in a conversation

Metaphor of the Iceberg

Leslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understanding

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges.

Time Stamps

2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves

2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy

3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy

5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist: 3 tenets of his therapy

• Empathy
• Congruence
• Unconditional Positive Regard

5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list)

6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you

7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy

8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing

10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child

12:35 Children play in themes

15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home

17:15 Explaining the process of attunement

20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency

22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood

25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids

28:37 Jen’s advice for parents -

31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healing

Resources:

Video of Play as a form of communication

Jen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families

Jen Sims Instagram

Article on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapy

Filial Play Therapy

AutPlay Therapy Resources

Registration for Leslie’s NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About IT

Leslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in play

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and

It's not unusual to feel stuck or trapped as a parent. Having options is the antidote to that feeling. You have options for how you think, how you behave, how you deal with emotions. And those options put you in the drivers seat…you get to see and feel the choices you have and you get to choose! This episode is the third and final episode with Jean and Alex who are dealing with their 6 year old daughter’s big emotions. We focus on how to change your mindset and review several coping strategies to help your child.

Time Stamps

3: 22 Naming the skill - dialectic dilemmas and dialectic synthesis

4:20 The dialectic dilemma is between the child’s needs and the parent’s needs.

5:15 Having options is a necessary element in our mental health - Noticing your “choices”

7:10 Helping parents helps our children: realizing that your mood impacts your child’s mood

11:50 GIve your child (or anyone) permission to actually have the big emotions

13:20 Main dialectic dilemma between Acceptance and Change

• Acceptance often is needed first - it’s more effective to accept the moment before you try to change what’s happening
• First thing to do: Acknowledge the big emotion.
• Then move onto solving the problem

20:25 A description of three states of mind (illustration of states of mind in show notes)

22: 50 Take your time teaching these skills to your child: repeat it, use different metaphors, say it differently, use different examples

25:00 Skills to use to move your child from emotion mind to wise mind

• Acknowledge that your child is in emotion mind: Name it
• Rate it
• Distraction
• Flexible thinking - dialectic thinking with the magic AND
• Ice pack across your eyes, or face plant into a bowl of cold water
• Breathing Exercises (see Link to handout below)
• Puzzles, activities

25:44 Explaining how to move from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system to help us regulate

31:41 Do you feel different? Is the helpful question

34:32 weave the DBT skills and emotional regulation language into your everyday language.

36:13 Exposure work can be done as gentle exercises to help your child with uncomfortable situations

• Start easy and work you way up to harder situations
• Mantra: I’m scared and I can do it anyway
• STAY present
• Have faith that your child can do it

The goal is not to avoid the problem, the goal is to be reduce your emotion and return to the problem

Resources:

NEABPD free Webinar presented by Leslie Cohen-Rubury titled “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What it is and What to do about it.” Click here to register

Handout on Mindfulness Breathing Exercises

Video on three states of mind

Leslie-ism: When you feel stuck, look for the options (I promise you they are there)

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcas