Identity Crisis Series, Part 3: Empty Nesters

We are wrapping up our series on identity crisis. I am sure this is not the last we will talk about identity crises, because as moms, we go through so many changes throughout our lives. If you're looking around your quiet house and thinking, “Wait—who am I now?”—you’re not alone.

According to a 2023 study by AARP, 60% of empty nesters report experiencing a loss of identity after their children leave home. More than half - and like our previous stats about PPD - this number feels LOW!

Because everything always seems fine, until it’s not! It’s crazy that these things just aren’t really talked about. During our research, we had trouble finding facts around this because people sort of gloss over the hard parts. Because this isn’t postpartum or menopause or another “named” phase—we don’t always talk about it. Which leads to that isolating feeling of, “Is it just me?” Or being an empty nester is viewed in such a positive light, or like a “you got your freedom back - now you can travel - or whatever.” But not… You just spent the last 18+ years caring for children, and now that part of you is no longer in service. What happens when you come home from work now? What do your weekends look like? How are you spending your time? It’s wild!

And have you thought to yourself, Why does this stage hit so deep? Well, because motherhood becomes part of your core identity. And let’s be real—society doesn’t help. We’re praised for being selfless, for putting everyone else first. But when your full-time caregiving role ends, there’s this echo of “Now what?”

As therapist and author Dr. Shefali Tsabary puts it:

“We begin to confuse our role with our identity. When the role ends, we feel as though our identity has disappeared too.”

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