God Was Awake When He Made You, But Your Cash App Was Asleep

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We crack open the vault of DMs and dating profiles that made us laugh, gag, and set firmer boundaries. From the one-word “smash” to an unsolicited lecture on makeup, from corny poetry to outright fetish requests, we map the messy middle of modern dating and talk about the signals you should never ignore. We’re on Facebook Dating and Hinge for this one, and the receipts are unfiltered.

We get into why certain openers are more than cheesy—they’re pressure tests for intimacy and compliance. Love-bombing that jumps to “marry me,” gaslighting disguised as concern about your schedule, and bios that dump emotional labor with “no more depression, please” are all tells. There’s a jeweler bribing with diamonds, a foot-rub poet, and the dreaded Friday-night text that turns green because someone went “offline” for their other life. We also unpack bias-laced compliments about looks and ethnicity, the hypocrisy of filter-policing, and the difference between confidence and self-owning desperation.

If you’ve ever wondered whether humor can be a boundary, we show how a sharp one-liner can shut down low-value advances without a fight. We talk practical moves: clear profiles and photos, verifying before investing, noting weekend patterns, and refusing to educate strangers who ignore what you’re seeking. Expect cringe, cackles, and a few survival rules you’ll want to keep. And yes, we’re planning a part two—because the archive is deep and the britches pic lives rent free.

If this made you laugh or helped you set a line, follow, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review. Your support helps more people find the show and keeps the chaos coming—just the good kind.

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