From Drowning to Dancing – My Return to Work

Welcome to the Dancing With Depression podcast, I am your grateful host – Adam Turner. As mentioned in the last episode, I am going to share what returning to work was like after being away for 60 days! I will share what changed, what stayed the same, how I felt the night before & what actually happened when I logged back into work at 9 a.m.The reason for my 60 day “staycation” was due to what I can only describe as drowning. I was overwhelmed with work, marriage, my inability to figure out what life was – dare I say “my purpose”. I was asking myself questions that, not only could I not answer, but I was having a difficult time comprehending where the questions were coming from. Having to remind myself that 9 months earlier, I stopped taking my prescribed by a professional medication for anxiety & depression – cold turkey! So for years I hadn’t really addressed my concerns…like what was I going to do for a living over the next 15-20 years? I didn’t want to remain in sales, I hadn’t wanted to be in sales for over 10 years!!! I knew this wasn’t uncommon as many of my high school & college friends had pivoted to different careers…most of them sharing the challenges, but grateful for their decision.So after trying to do things “my way” and it not working, I was looking for help. That help came by way of my therapist & psychiatrist. I filled out the paperwork and submitted my short term disability claim…the next morning I called my then boss and shared that I would be out of work, I would send him an email with accounts that needed to be contacted, & let him know if there was anything he needed I would do my best to get it for him.My original thought was I’d be out for like 2 weeks, in that time I would “reset” – get caught up…whatever that meant. I didn’t have a plan…the only “plan” I had was to try my absolute best not to think about, worry about anything work related. I had ruined plenty of vacations in the past with the need/desire to stay connected – as if I was so important (thought is laughable now).I spent the better half of the first 10 days doing absolutely nothing…I had all the time in the world and a “honey do” list with painting, cleaning the garage, changing light bulbs, just to name a few – yet nothing was checked off. I did manage to fill out the paperwork to partake in group therapy…but even after I was accepted – I had to wait another week before I could start. I’m not sure where it came from but I was able to get a little momentum and cross a few things off that never ending honey do list.So I attended group therapy, learned about CBT & DBT – went through a couple of ADHD meds in order to find something that helped me concentrate…and after 15 sessions I said my goodbyes and headed into the weekend preparing myself for “The Ultimate Comeback”.I was surprisingly calm leading up to my return – I wasn’t spending a lot of time wondering what would happen, and put my focus on reassuring myself that whatever did happen I would know how to OR find a way to get through it. It’s NOT that I wasn’t nervous or concerned..I just realized, my previous pattern would be me using a lot of energy worrying about what might happen, and not having enough energy to deal with what ACTUALLY happened. Yeah that was a valuable nugget of insight I picked up in group!!!Since I hadn’t been real good at disconnecting in the past coupled with never being away from work for that length of time, I was curious about how people would react – would I still remember my passwords (I have like 10 of them for different systems), and just overall what had changed while away. The 1st day really didn’t feel any different, from a 30,000 ft. view – we had the same meetings scheduled, same sales projections had to be submitted – now when I took a closer look there were several noticeable differences…Some people were no longer with the company, many of my accounts had been reassigned, and oh how could I forget this – I CAME BACK TO A NEW MANAGER!!! As I so eloquently put it when asked to describe my 1st day back…a lot of things changed and at the same time nothing had changed.Over the next few days I had a couple challenges with my anxiety and depression, but with the teachings Hopeway provided along with group therapy I came back with a few tools in my belt I didn’t have in the past – and they worked beautifully.For those preparing to transition back into work…my 1st recommendation is take it one day or a couple of hours at a time. Putting all of your energy into trying to stop what you think might happen vs. using a small percentage of energy directly at what is actually happening will get you so much further. Do you feel like I’m making that “easier than it sounds”? Well that is what I would have thought, before learning those tools I mentioned earlier – and you can do the same!I have to remind myself that ...