Finding My Purpose

I don’t know who will hear this, maybe no one but me, and really, that’s ok, it really is.   It’s taken me a lot of years to realize, in so many ways, I’ve been living my life in what I call “neutral”.  While neutral may not seem like a bad thing necessarily, as I shared in the Executive Woman newsletter, it’s not really a positive thing either.  When a car is in neutral, is rolls along according to the pitch of the road, following along whichever way it is propelled.  The car will gain speed when going downhill, lose speed while going uphill, possibly even causing the car to roll backward and depending on the car, you may or may not be able to stear it well while in neutral, which might land the car in precarious situations.    Well, this was me, for much of my life.  In many ways, rather than living my life fully and with intention, I simply rolled whichever way the road pitched, and sometimes it was great fun and other times, not so much.  I didn’t feel I had the power to choose a direction.  My life was more me reacting to some circumstances and working hard to avoid others.  I didn’t feel empowered to live my dreams, I had been conditioned to believe avoiding pain, chaos and fear and finding safety was my goal.  And while as a child, and an early adult, that is an absolute reality and a goal to be admired, at a certain point in time, we deserve and need more out of life all the while, our brains have been so influenced by our childhood journey’s we develop very strong fight, flight, flee and fawn responses, that we forget there is more, so much more.   On the outside looking in, this might seem surprising, if you know me or have worked with me, it might not make sense.  You see, I built a successful career, I even made it to the C-suite, which as we know, for women doesn’t come easily. I’ve done some traveling, which is a huge passion of mine.  I have an amazing wife and family who I love dearly, we are even in the midst of building our dream home, as I speak.  I am blessed to have some of the most supportive and loving friends I could ever hope to have and yet, as I reflect on my journey thus far, I can see so clearly how I have avoided taking bold steps, I’ve suppressed my talents, thoughts and ideas.  I’ve put my passions and desires on the back burner to stay in what I believed was a “safe-zone”.  I would take things just “so-far” before backing off out of fear.  I would become more and more isolated, and wore this as a badge of honor, thinking I didn’t need anyone, and that I was the only person I could actually rely on…man was I wrong!   I believed if I checked the boxes, hit the milestones and did the things, that somehow, I would feel fulfilled and my purpose would magically illuminate in front of me, like in the movies when a treasure hunter finally makes it through the many obstacles of a remote jungle, navigates through the darkness of the cave buried deep beneath the mountain and places the ancient key into the rugged piece of rock at just the right moment and suddenly the sunlight pierces through and the eyes of the statue start to glow, the entire cave lights up, the walls recede and massive hidden treasures are revealed.   Well, as you can imagine, as exciting as that sounds, it didn’t happen that way.  My revelation has been much slower, and as I continue to peel back the many layers of my life and lived experiences, I am discovering a burgeoning desire to strip away all the masks, doubts and bullshit I’ve either believed was my only reality or that I was conditioned to accept as a singular truth, and so telling my story is as much for me as it is for anyone who might hear it.   I am your host, Barbie Winterbottom, and the is The Executive Woman.   When deciding to launch this podcast, I had a very different plan in mind.  Well, actually, let’s rewind.  A few YEARS ago I had a plan to launch a podcast, but alas, I didn’t, not really, it felt too scary to do something so bold.  Who would want to listen to anything I have to say?  What is so ground-breaking about me and my story that anyone would care to listen?  I told myself story after story as to why it just wouldn’t work.  I did, however, launch a video-based interview program, which I truly enjoyed hosting, called The Table. With over 20 years in my Executive career in Human Resources, somehow this felt safer.  I would interview guests to share THEIR stories and experiences, all the while, I was safe and protected, not really sharing mine.  I interviewed some of the best and brightest minds working in HR and the People Space from around the world, executives, authors, leaders, and even a celebrity or two and we talked about all the many things related to the Workplace, People Strategy, DEI and more…and while, like I said, I did enjoy each and every session, I also felt like something was missing.  What was missing, was me.  I was hiding behind ...