Episode 58, Chapter XIIII: What Are You Waiting For? A Soliloquy

Have you ever looked in the mirror and suddenly realized you've been playing a role in your own life? After mysteriously disappearing for five months, I'm finally breaking the silence to share the profound revelation that stopped me in my tracks.

What began as a celebratory moment—watching my podcast metrics climb after a wonderful interview with Natalie—transformed into an existential crisis during what should have been a dream surf trip to Chile. Picture this: perfect left breaks (heaven for a goofy-footer like me), no responsibilities, just freedom and waves. Yet there I was, sitting on an isolated beach, watching my friend surf without me, confronting the uncomfortable truth that many of the pursuits I'd dedicated my life to weren't authentically mine. "I don't know if I've ever really been a surfer either," I found myself thinking, as I realized how much external validation had shaped my identity.

This podcast began as a way to process revelations I experienced through AA and shadow work—deep personal inventory that exposed the gap between who I thought I was and who I actually am. The interviews became a way to celebrate the remarkable "normal" people in Santa Cruz while practicing genuine connection. But somewhere along the way, I fell into the trap of valuing metrics over meaningful exchange, becoming an impostor to myself.

The depression that had temporarily lifted returned, but this time with clarity about its source. I discovered a "ghost in the machine"—a part of me seeking relevance through screen-based validation despite my authentic self wanting no such attention. It took months of sitting with this uncomfortable truth before I could speak about it honestly.

I'm sharing this vulnerable journey not to lecture but to reconnect with what matters: genuine human connection in a world where we've "become too busy to relate." My hope is that these conversations inspire you to grab coffee with someone you've been meaning to connect with, to practice the increasingly rare art of being fully present with another person. Because ultimately, the only thing that matters isn't download numbers or audience growth—it's the authentic moments we create together.