Episode 133 - Urland Signature Mummy 4-Pack

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Abish opens the episode with the “Osh Kosh Korash”, a chaotic but shockingly drinkable cocktail named after one of Abraham 1’s many extremely real, absolutely-not-made-up gods. Built from chocolate Crown Royal, amaretto, vanilla vodka, coffee liqueur, grenadine, cream, and topped with cherry Dr Pepper, the drink perfectly sets the tone for a chapter that feels like Joseph Smith just kept adding ingredients until something vaguely coherent happened. The intro spirals through pop culture tangents, general apocalypse vibes, and the shared realization that the Book of Abraham somehow manages to be both deeply racist and deeply boring at the same time.

Scriptures: [00:24:45]

aaaAAAaaa turns Abraham 1 into a full narrator-film trope, with Abraham doing a self-satisfied Emperor’s New Groove–style voiceover while actively being tied to an altar. The segment walks beat-by-beat through Abraham’s humblebrag résumé—his desire for priesthood, knowledge, and greatness—before diving into the sudden appearance of a rotating cast of nonsense gods, Egyptian priests inexplicably operating in Chaldea, and the extremely convenient survival of Abraham while three unnamed virgins die offscreen. The retelling highlights how repetitive, padded, and self-justifying the chapter is, exposing Abraham as a protagonist who treats attempted human sacrifice as a brief inconvenience on his way to cosmic importance.

Church Teachings: [00:46:56]

Moroni covers what the church teaches about Abraham 1, focusing on how lesson manuals frame Abraham as a model of faith, courage, and righteous ambition in a corrupt world. The segment breaks down the church’s emphasis on Abraham’s desire for priesthood, Pharaoh as a supposedly righteous leader without authority, and the way Abraham’s near-sacrifice is reframed as spiritual proof rather than a narrative disaster. The discussion highlights how the church smooths over the text’s contradictions while quietly leaning on Abraham to justify priesthood lineage, authority claims, and obedience as the ultimate virtue.

History: [01:02:04]

Abigail closes the episode with a deep dive into 1960s Book of Abraham apologetics, when the papyri resurfaced and forced the church into theological gymnastics. She walks through the rediscovery of the papyri, their identification as standard Egyptian funerary texts, and the resulting scramble to redefine “translation” into something closer to inspiration-by-association. The segment connects these apologetic shifts to broader LDS doctrine, showing how much modern Mormon theology depends on a text that simply does not say what Joseph Smith claimed—and how the church responded when the evidence showed up and refused to cooperate.

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