Episode 126 - The Joey Touch

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aaaAAAaaa kicks off with Let There Be Lime, a bright, creamy gin-based drink with lime juice, coconut cream, and a float of blue curaçao that looks “like the firmament if God had a tiki phase.” It’s equal parts creation myth and vacation cocktail—light, tart, and spiritually confusing. Between sips, the crew detours into Trader Joe’s cheese obsessions, Halloween charcuterie feats (“the meat hand”), and a long tangent about the economics of SNAP benefits that somehow circles back to cheese again. By the time anyone remembers they’re supposed to talk scripture, everyone’s already half-drunk and defending kale as if it’s theology.

Scriptures: [00:26:43]
Moroni covers Moses 2, Joseph Smith’s fanfic rewrite of Genesis. He performs it as a full-blown comedy sketch, with “Ancient Chats with Moses” hosted by God Almighty himself. Together, God and Moses walk through creation like a chaotic divine podcast: day one light mode, day two plumbing the firmament, day three inventing kale “to keep people humble,” and day six “beta testing humans.” The hosts argue about the physics of light existing before the sun, roast the logic of creating mosquitoes, and crown day seven “brunch day.” The moral? God invented gays so they could invent brunch.

Church Teachings: [00:45:20]
Abish dives into the church’s official take on creation and how much of it hinges on “order, obedience, and divinely appointed gender roles.” She walks through a church lesson that tries to marry literal creationism with modern science, calling it “a theological hostage negotiation.” The group debates why Mormon God micromanages planets like a middle manager at a failing startup, how “six days” somehow equals “six creative periods,” and how members are still expected to treat both evolution and the six-day creation as equally true. It’s the usual mix of reverence and rage—with sidebars on BYU professors, temple endowment parallels, and how women are expected to “create life” while men “create podcasts.”

History: [01:22:54]
Abigail returns with another prophet bio—this time Joseph Fielding Smith, the ultimate fun-hater of Mormonism. She kicks off the segment mid–Taco Bell Baja Blast cream pie taste test (verdict: “it’s like key lime pie, but with a hint of dew”) before diving into the century-long life of the man who hated evolution more than Satan himself. Born in 1876 and made an apostle by his father in 1910, Smith spent fifty years as church historian—basically in charge of gaslighting the entire religion into consistency. Abigail reads his wildest quotes: evolution “is as false as its author who reigns in hell,” and “a man who believes in evolution has no right to teach in the church.” She skewers his books Man, His Origin and Destiny (“Darwin is a fugly slut”) and The Way to Perfection (“Mormon Doctrine, but make it racist”), tracing how his anti-science tantrums still ripple through LDS culture today.

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