Episode 110 - Thinly Veiled Penistry

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The gang welcomes back Claudia, who takes the wheel with this episode’s cocktail—though even she couldn’t settle on a name. It began as “Old Joe’s In-sip-ration” but somewhere along the way morphed into the more chaotic (and honestly more iconic) “Teeny Peeny Tini.” Whatever you call it, it’s peach vodka and peach juice shaken with wild abandon and garnished with raspberries, because we are nothing if not fancy. Claudia also shares a DoorDash horror story that involves $400 worth of food, a $47 tip, and zero actual delivery. The gang veers off into important Pringles analysis, the mechanics of beer can chicken, and straight pride parades (spoiler: nobody smiles and the flags are just laminated bigotry). By the time we finally roll into the scriptures, the room has already been spiritually and emotionally preheated.

Scriptures: [00:15:13]

aaaAAAaaa walks us through D&C sections 105 and 106, dragging us all back to Zion’s Camp—the LARP expedition to Missouri that God called off because, apparently, the Saints weren’t vibing hard enough. In true GASP fashion, we get a reading of the “scriptures according to vibes and post-ponents,” where God delays promises, blames the victims, and basically tells everyone to shut up and wait. aaaAAAaaa gives us peak satire with gems like “Suffer, therefore, until you learn, for I am not your kindergarten teacher, but your eternal emotional growth facilitator.” D&C 106 gets covered too, but let’s be real—it’s eight verses of filler.

Church Teachings: [00:36:16]

Moroni brings us a scorching takedown of the LDS Church’s classic excuse: “It’s all in God’s timing.” Starting with examples like the priesthood ban and moving through LGBTQ+ policies, the September Six, and Dallin H. Oaks’ greatest hits, this segment unpacks how divine delay conveniently shields leaders from accountability. The gang skewers the church’s habit of reframing harmful decisions as spiritual tests and celebrates such mental gymnastics with hypothetical Olympic medals. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll wonder how many more “timetables” Oaks can squeeze into one devotional quote.

History: [00:57:00]

Abigail finishes things off by looking at the Correlation Committee—aka the Mormon Church’s in-house PR, theology, and vibes management team. She traces its bureaucratic grip on every part of modern Mormonism, from curriculum to conference talks to the sanitized doctrine we all love to hate. The history of how Bruce R. McConkie’s Mormon Doctrine was initially condemned and then quietly assimilated into correlated materials gets special attention. Turns out, when you can’t kill an idea, you just edit it into your manuals and act like you were on board the whole time. This one’s for the nerds who love a good flowchart of institutional control.

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