Episode 109 - Our Grave-Pissing Tour

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This episode delivers a holy trinity of chaos: tithing-based cocktails, Joel and Ellie doing anti-capitalist scripture theater, and Abigail dragging Mormon Doctrine like it owes her money (because it does). Welcome to the episode where everyone realizes that “sacred stewardship” just means “give us your money, peasant,” but with more mezcal.

aaaAAAaa opens the episode with Tithe Hard, a smoky, almondy concoction meant to capture the “voluntary redistribution” vibes of D&C 104. It’s mezcal meets amaretto, lemon, simple syrup, and bitters—shaken and garnished with a chocolate coin that screams “render unto Caesar but keep the receipt.”

He gives us a quick breakdown of the drink’s inspiration (United Order cosplay) and shares that you’re supposed to say “Welcome to Zion, pal” when you garnish. Die Hard meets consecration. It’s perfect for sipping while your ward building collapses into financial despair.

Scriptures: [00:24:48]
Moroni brings the scripture segment and opens with an electrifying anthem about the electron transport chain, because obviously. “Pump That Chain (ATP on the Floor)” is a biological banger and probably the only club track where cytochrome C gets name-dropped. Ten out of ten protons.

Then, he digs into D&C 104, which is basically God’s attempt at running a communal startup (spoiler: it fails). This section is the dissolution of the United Order, rebranded with a fresh spreadsheet and a lot of talk about stewardship. God divides up property like He’s on Shark Tank, says “don’t mess this up,” and demands that any surplus go to the poor. In theory, it’s Christian communism. In practice, it’s Joseph Smith giving himself a mansion.

Moroni tells the story Last of Us-style, casting Joel and Ellie as scripture commentators and transforming the whole thing into a post-apocalyptic anti-capitalist fireside. It is sincerely better than 90% of church lessons you’ve ever had. And no, he didn’t jack off in a 747. Probably.

Church Teachings: [00:37:58]
Abish takes on how the modern church teaches (and distorts) D&C 104. She calls it “God’s original business plan” before He apparently outsourced everything to Ensign Peak Advisors. Originally, it was all about collective stewardship and helping the poor. Today? Not so much.

She absolutely roasts the $100–300 billion hoard the church is sitting on while Salt Lake’s homeless population is getting pushed around and starving. Meanwhile, the temples get two baptistries, gold leaf, and ceilings high enough to echo your spiritual disillusionment. She skewers the way tithing has turned into a subscription fee for salvation, complete with zero transparency, and the transformation of welfare programs into PR opportunities with strings attached. Somewhere, Jesus is flipping over the dessert bar at City Creek.

History: [00:59:19]
Abigail cracks open the cursed tome that is Mormon Doctrine by Bruce R. McDonkey—and yes, she reads it with the disdain of someone who’s just found out their ex wrote a manifesto. She focuses on the ways McConkie’s book cemented orthodoxy, defined generational trauma, and poisoned the church’s teaching well for decades.

This book, which wasn’t officially doctrine but was sold in every Deseret Book and quoted like it was scripture, contains gems like “see Mormons: Latter-day Saints” (a Satanic victory, according to Abigail). It promote

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