Ep. 3 - Priorities In Marriage

Can a spouse ever be your cure — or will that expectation break the marriage?

Rabbi Klapper opens this episode by insisting that dating must begin with clear hashkafah: know where you’re going before you invite someone to walk beside you. He explains the practical order that produces lasting homes — first, shared Torah goals and life direction; second, physical attraction; third, personality and the slow work of getting along — and why flipping that order leaves big rocks out of the jar. Rabbi Klapper also warns against expecting marriage to fix deep problems: “marriage is not a hospital,” and growth should begin before engagement. He names two concrete spiritual dangers of premature physical intimacy — the halachic prohibition of touching (Shomer Negiah) and the seductive sweetness of transgression captured in Chazal’s phrase “mayim genuvim yimtokum” — both of which can blind judgment and hollow out future joy.

The takeaways are direct and doable. Before you date seriously, write down your hashkafic goals and share them with a shadchan or mentor; pick three concrete personal improvements and show steady progress (weeks, not days) so you aren’t promising change “after the wedding.” Keep the dating process in the right order: clarify hashkafah on the early dates, allow attraction to emerge naturally, and give personality the time it needs to reveal itself — and maintain Shomer Negiah throughout. Treat yeshiva or a growth community as the place to repair and grow, not your future spouse. Do this, Rabbi Klapper says, and attraction becomes fertile ground for a deep, lasting partnership instead of a cover for unresolved weakness.

Hosted by Rabbi Ari Klapper and produced by Eli Podcast Productions, this episode is part of the Real Judaism series, available on RealJudaism.org. Don’t forget to subscribe and share to stay connected with our daily lessons and timeless Torah insights!