Enjoying Your Own Company // Dealing with Loneliness, Part 2

Loneliness isn't an easy thing to deal with when it strikes. When we're alone, it seems as though there are no answers, no solutions. But actually, nothing … could be further from the truth. Whether you live in China surrounded by 1.3 billion other people, or the Pitcairn Islands (in the Pacific), surrounded by just 44 other people, you can feel lonely. We can be desperately lonely in a crowd yet be delivered from loneliness by just one other person. Today, if it's okay with you, we're going to continue looking at the whole question of loneliness. I'd like you to meet the first of two people who can help you with loneliness, without you ever having to pick up the phone or open the front door. We'll meet the second one in tomorrow's program. Today, we're going to meet the first one. Someone you've known all your life, someone who's with you constantly, every minute of the day – that someone … is you! The problem with loneliness, it's not so much in being alone, we all want to be alone (sometimes). The problem is feeling alone. The problem is feeling that terrible sense that I'm not connected in a meaningful way with another person. It's painful, you can get angry, you can get distressed, you sense this loss. And the other thing about loneliness is that often, it's accompanied by a sense of powerlessness. We end up in a passive state. I remember ten years ago being single again. One minute, I was surrounded by a family – you go out, you go out with your family, go out with your wife. The next minute, not only is there the pain of a broken relationship, but you see all of these other people in relationships. I truly hated seeing couples together; their enjoyment seemed to hurt me. You know, you see a man and a woman walking hand in hand down the street. And I'd just been through what I'd just been through and it was painful seeing them enjoy themselves. You feel so powerless when you feel lonely. I felt like a second-class citizen, I felt like a failure. It's like it wasn't okay for me to be alone. It's a state that I felt I couldn't change. Have you ever felt like that … "I'm the only one?" I'll let you into a secret, we all do that sometimes. We're not Robinson Caruso. Everybody at some stage in their life feels devalued because they're lonely. We feel rejected because we're lonely. Part of the loneliness trap says, "I can't function unless I have other people around me." Well in part that's true; we certainly all need to have meaningful relationships with other people. But the idea of "I can't function without other people," misses something. It misses an opportunity – an important opportunity. When we go home, you know at the end of the day or (I used to do this when I was going through my lonely stage where I was on my own) at the end of church, you know I'd go home on a Sunday and all these other people went home with their husbands or their wives or their children. And I went home alone. When we go home, whether we go home to a family or whether we go home alone, you and I are home in our space, maybe people there, maybe not. Whether there are people there or not, it can be a lonely place. Well for me there were no people there at the time. And what I discovered in that place was to my surprise … I enjoyed my own company. Now that might seem trivial and trite to you. But in my life where I'd been a busy business person and working long hours and working hard and having people around me all the time. Here I was, at age 36, alone for the first time (in a very long time). All of a sudden, I had time and space to figure out, "Berni, you enjoy your own company." The first thing I had was time to think, time just to sit at nights and let the imagination roam across the hills. Time to dream, time to hope, time to contemplate the day, time to plan for tomorrow. What an incredible gift! And even though we all do that to some extent, you know something, when you're on your own (particularly when you feel lonely), it's somehow sharper, somehow it's more important to be able to do that. It's so evident in a lonely place that time to think and imagine and dream and hope and contemplate is a wonderful gift. And it was in the middle of that … that I learned to turn the TV off. It was still. It was quiet. And in that place I discovered I liked myself. It's one of the biggest gifts I ever received out of that time of loneliness. And you know this is a habit that has never left me. Today, I'm wonderfully, happily married to the most beautiful, lovely women on the planet and have a wonderful family. Yet, I still draw away into my own space – into that quiet peace to enjoy me, to spend time with me, to discover who I am, to think and dream and hope. We are created in the image of God. And God looks at us and He delights in us. So why shouldn't we delight in ourselves? Why shouldn't we like ourselves? The second thing that … that period of loneliness gave me was time and space to do things I had ...