E1072 Still Here, But Not Yourself: When First Responders Feel Disconnected From Who They Used to Be

In this episode of the Tactical Living Podcast, hosts Coach Ashlie Walton and Sergeant Clint Walton explore a quiet but deeply unsettling experience many first responders live with: you're physically present, still doing the job, still showing up—but internally, you don't recognize yourself anymore (Amazon Affiliate). You're not broken. You're not weak. You're not failing. What you may be experiencing is identity erosion—a gradual loss of connection to the parts of you that existed before survival mode became your default operating system. This episode unpacks why this happens, how the nervous system and trauma exposure reshape personality, and what it takes to reclaim your sense of self without abandoning the strength the job built. 🧠 Psychological Concept: Identity Diffusion Under Chronic Stress When a person lives in prolonged high-threat environments, the brain prioritizes function over self-reflection. Over time, roles replace identity. The uniform becomes the personality. The mission replaces the individual. This can create: • emotional flattening • loss of joy and curiosity • difficulty feeling connected to family • a sense of being "on" all the time • grief for a version of yourself you can't quite describe 🚨 5 Signs You're Still Here—but Not Fully You You Function Well, But Feel Emotionally Numb You perform, but you don't feel. You Can't Remember What Used to Light You Up Hobbies, interests, and passions feel distant or pointless. You Feel Like a Role, Not a Person Officer. Firefighter. Medic. Sergeant. Captain. But who are you underneath? Your Family Says You've Changed—And You Know They're Right Not in behavior. In presence. You Grieve a Version of Yourself You Can't Name A quiet loss with no funeral. 🛠 5 Ways to Reconnect With Who You Are Beyond the Badge Name the Loss Instead of Minimizing It You didn't "just grow up." You adapted to survival. Separate Role From Identity Your job is what you do—not who you are. Reintroduce Curiosity Into Your Life Curiosity is the opposite of hyper-vigilance. Let Safe People See the Unarmored You Connection rebuilds identity. Isolation dissolves it. Give Yourself Permission to Evolve You're not meant to be who you were before trauma— but you are meant to be more than what trauma made you. 🎯 Why This Episode Matters: You don't have to lose yourself to do this job well. And if you already feel lost—you're not beyond finding your way back. This episode helps first responders understand why they feel disconnected from themselves, how the brain adapts to chronic threat, and how to reclaim identity without abandoning strength. 🎙 Listen now to remember who you were before survival mode—and who you still are beneath the armor. 💥 Gear We Recommend for Our First Responder Community: 🛡️ Tactical storage made easy: STOPBOX – Buy One, Get One Free 🎯 Connect With Us: ✅ Join our Private Facebook Group for First Responders & Families 🎥 Subscribe on YouTube for behind-the-scenes content and live interviews 🌐 Visit LEOWarriors.com for coaching, resources, and more 💬 Listener Question: What's one small act of service you can do today to honor someone who served? Let us know in the Facebook group or DM us on Instagram! Disclaimer: All viewpoints discussed in this episode are for entertainment purposes only and reflect our personal opinions based on our own experiences, background, and education. 🎙️ Want to be a guest on Tactical Living? Send a message to Ashlie Walton on PodMatch → Click here (Ad) Some product links in this episode may be affiliate links, which means we may earn a small commission if you make a purchase—at no extra cost to you. We only share products we genuinely believe in and trust. 📣 For PR, Speaking Requests, or Networking Opportunities: 📧 Email: [e-mail] 📫 Mailing Address: P.O. Box 400115, Hesperia, CA 92340 🔗 Ashlie's Facebook: facebook.com/police.fire.lawenforcement