Couples See-saw of life

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Split agendas and contrary motives - that are hidden from each other. Is that you?

Jake & Jasmine on the seesaw of life, illustrates it. There are appearances, but below the surface of the relationship may be there is entrenched Emotional Disengagement. Couples engage in a dance for years, re-acting and counter re-acting to each others actions and inactions. A dance. A dance which keeps being played out.

'If you will, I will. If you won't, I won't''. Worlds away from - 'If you are ok, then I am ok. If you are not ok, then I am not ok and I need to make you ok so I can be ok, because if you are not ok, then I can't be ok'. (That utterance was during the early stages of the wedding vows).

The couples are now trying to restore a level of homeostasis/equilibrium/balance/relative harmony - to make life together, a bit more enduring/bearable.

In fact - as you observe the dance which Jake and Jasmine are doing on the seesaw of life, the exact opposite of harmony and bearable is being played out; each responds to the other to create a counter-balance that ends up with a steeper incline pulling them downwards; which is just not sustainable in the longer term.

At some point, lack of conscious choice (but knee-jerk responses to the others' movements) - means that at some point choice will be removed from them both. There will be an explosion of the relationship - but perhaps not for many, many years. Maybe the cue is when the children leave home for university or house prices increase to a level that triggers the explosion because there is now enough equity for them both to buy separate properties.

The exploded relationship leaves them both scrambling around to pick up shracknel. Onlookers observe with sentiments of - 'they were such a lovely couple. We never saw that coming!'

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

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Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

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