Beyond the Outburst

If you match your child’s chaos with your own anger, you’ve just turned the heat up on a house that’s already burning. But if you can master the neurobiology of your own calm, you provide the 'External Regulator' your child’s developing brain desperately needs. Emotional Intelligence isn't about 'being soft'; it’s about having the Tactical Restraint to lead your family out of the fire instead of into it. And my guest is going to give us some language and strategy to do just that.Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst. Dr. Vanderhorst is a psychologist and an expert in the science of human connection. She understands the 'Wiring of the Heart' and how a father’s ability to manage his own emotions is the single greatest predictor of his child’s future resilience.To connect with Dr. Vanderhorst, get her free resource or her book visit: https://drvanderhorst.com/To purchase The Body Keeps the Score, visit: https://a.co/d/0aJEazo1To be a guest on The Fatherhood Challenge visit: https://podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/thefatherhoodchallengeCreate your podcast today! #madeonzencastrhttps://zencastr.com/?via=thefatherhoodchallenge00:04.18Jonathan GuerreroEvery father knows the sound of a household losing its grip. It's the door slam, the high-pitched scream of a toddler, or the heavy, suffocating silence of a teenager who's checked out. In those moments, your biology is designed to respond. Your heart rate climbs, your jaw tightens, and your protector instinct flares up.00:22.74Jonathan GuerreroBut here's the hard truth. In a crisis, you aren't just a witness. You are the thermostat.00:28.75Gloria VanderhorstMm-hmm.00:29.11Jonathan GuerreroIf you match the child's chaos with your own anger, you've just turned the heat up in the house that's already burning. But you can master the neurobiology of your own calm, and you can provide the external regulator that your child's developing brain desperately needs. Emotional intelligence isn't about being soft. It's about having a tactical restraint to lead your family out of the fire instead of into it. And my guest is going to give us some language and strategy some strategy to do just that in just a moment. So don't go anywhere.01:01.78Jonathan Guerreroyou.01:34.89Jonathan GuerreroWhat you find in their role? And it's how society will understand how important the mother's arms, the ability and culture of their family is fired.01:44.88Jonathan GuerreroGreetings everyone! Thank you so much for joining me. My co-host Isaac has the day off today. We are joined by Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst. Dr. Vanderhorst is a psychologist and an expert in the science of human connection. She understands the wiring of the heart and how a father's ability to manage his own emotions is the single greatest predictor of his child's future's resilience.02:07.10Jonathan GuerreroDr. Vanderhorst, welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge.02:10.58Gloria VanderhorstThank you very much. I'm excited about being here and having this conversation.02:17.16Jonathan GuerreroDr. Vanderhorse, how in the world did you get interested in the science of human connection and working with boys and helping boys and dads learn emotional language? What's your story?02:28.18Gloria VanderhorstOh, it's a fascinating story. I was a professor. With tenure, I could have stayed at the college level and kind of coasted, but I decided i wanted to do more hands-on work.02:46.87Gloria VanderhorstAnd so I started doing evaluations for another psychologist in private practice. And she went on a sabbatical. I took over her practice completely.02:59.13Gloria Vanderhorstand then decided that I would leave academics and start my own private practice. I had a friend who ran a preschool. And so when I started my private practice, she naturally referred preschool students to me for evaluations as necessary.03:20.63Gloria VanderhorstAnd all of those were boys. Amazing. Boys in preschool stand out to preschool teachers because the preschool teachers are female and they really don't understand what is happening with preschool boys. And so they label their energy as perhaps a sign of attention deficit.03:47.19Gloria VanderhorstAnd so I got to evaluate lots of preschool boys. And then the preschool boys' fathers decided to put themselves on my calendar.04:00.44Gloria VanderhorstAnd I got pickled in understanding what life is like for boys and men in this society. And it was a great lesson.04:12.98Jonathan GuerreroOh, what a powerful story. Well, let's dive right in. When a kid starts screaming or a teenager rolls their eyes, a dad's fight or flight response often kicks in instantly.04:25.05Jonathan GuerreroWhat is actually happening in his brain in those seconds? And how does a dad, how does he retake the command center before he speaks?04:33.35Gloria VanderhorstI think what's really happening is fear because we rob boys and men of access to the full range of feeling states.04:47.29Gloria VanderhorstSo when their middle schooler, goes on a rampage, ...