Before Hiring a Therapist Codependency Expert, Know This First

Many women spend years (and thousands of dollars) hiring a therapist codependency​ expert after someone convinces them they are the problem. If someone has labeled you “codependent” because you reacted to your husband’s problematic behavior, stop for a moment. Before you schedule therapy, understand this: you may not need to fix yourself — you may need to protect yourself. You May NOt Need a Therapist Codependency Expert, You MIght Be Seeking Emotional Safety Often, betrayal trauma victims (women who have experienced their husband’s lies or betrayal) are doing anything they can to save their marriage, not understanding what’s actually been happening. Women in this situation are rightfully trying to protect themselves, which is always good. But some people want to put these healthy behaviors in a negative light. They call her codependent, misleading her. They tell her to blame herself: “What have YOU done to contribute to the problem?” This wrong advice helps the abuser continue to harm her. It also makes it harder for the victim to set healthy boundaries. But What If I’m Actually Codependent? Many women find that after they create distance between herself and emotional and psychological abuse, what they thought were “character flaws” often fade away. These traits were really healthy resistance to abuse. To find out if you’ve been experiencing emotional abuse, here’s my free emotional abuse test. Transcript: Hiring a Therapist Codependency Expert, Know This First This episode follows Felicia’s StoryPart 1: Before Hiring a Therapist Codependency Expert, Know This First (THIS EPISODE)Part 2: Divorce and Emotional Abuse – Felicia Checks in 9 Months Later Anne: I have a member of our community, we’re going to call her Felicia, on today’s episode. Welcome, Felicia. Felicia: Thank you. Anne: I’m so grateful you’re sharing your story with us. We’re going to be addressing the label of codependent and maybe seeking a therapist codependency expert for help. But let’s start at the beginning. Can you talk about how he seemed to you at first? Felicia: We met at a Bible college and the first thing that I asked is, Could I use his book? Because I didn’t want to buy the professor’s book. He said, Oh, this is a wonderful book. I’ll buy it for you. I want to tell you my intentions are not to hit on you or to flirt with you. So I love that he was so straightforward and didn’t have any other intentions. We became friends because I believed that he said what he meant. We fell in love, but there was no flirting, we didn’t have the same friends. So I was like, this is really weird, but I really, really like you. But it’s not like this desperate feeling, and that’s how we started off. Felicia: It was a long distance relationship at first. What Does it Mean to be Codependent in a Relationship​: NOT THIS Anne: Looking back, do you think that he was being honest or do you think he really did have intentions to have a relationship with you? Felicia: I think he just told me what I wanted to hear. I was like, it’s not this desperate feeling. And he was like, me either. So let’s not date right away. I thought we would date. Because we both just told each other we liked each other. It was the relationship I thought I wanted at first. Except for lack of an emotional side to it. But yeah looking back, I think he just is really good at picking up on what people want to hear. Then filling that in. Anne: Like low key. Hey, we’re just friends. Type grooming. Anne: How did it transition into dating? Felicia: I was just leaving the area. He said, yeah, let’s just do emails and phone calls. He said, I want you to pray about this for one week, that we should be boyfriend and girlfriend. I was just kind of disappointed that there wasn’t this emotional connection. I didn’t have any boyfriends through life to speak of. He said I want you to think about what you need in a relationship. Then we dated long distance still just talking on the phone. Codependent Therapist​ Can’t Help With This Felicia: It wasn’t gooey at all. They were like really good conversations. That to me was the perfect part of our relationship. Very good conversations about how we felt and thought. They weren’t long and drawn out. It was just fun to talk to him and then we started setting boundaries. He said, We’re probably going to pursue each other for marriage. Also, I think that I should come and get you. He was in Georgia and wanted to come to Idaho to get me. He said we should live in the same community if we’re going to see if we’re fit for marriage. We laid down physical boundaries, and I was like, okay, cool. I definitely don’t want to get over involved physically before I’m married. He said he needed these boundaries for himself. But as soon as we saw each other, we started crossing the boundaries that we had laid. It didn’t feel good. I didn’t like it. By the time we were ...