Alienated Parents: Feel Pressure to Get It Right? Break Free from Performance Anxiety

Are you an alienated parent who feels like you’re always under a microscope—at court, during exchanges, or even just sending a birthday card? This episode dives deep into the hidden world of performance anxiety, why it’s so common for alienated parents, and how you can break free from the pressure to “get it right.”

Host Shelby Milford, a grief coach and alienated mom, explores the roots and realities of performance anxiety for alienated parents. Through personal stories, practical tools, and compassionate advice, Shelby helps listeners understand why the pressure to perform is so intense—and how to start easing it, one step at a time.

Topics Covered:

• What performance anxiety looks like for alienated parents
• Real-life scenarios: court, supervised visits, school events, and more
• The emotional and cognitive roots of performance anxiety
• Common thinking traps: catastrophic thinking, personalization, mind reading, and more
• Practical tools to break the anxiety cycle
• Building a new, compassionate internal narrative
• Small, actionable steps to reclaim confidence and connection
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Key Takeaways:

• Performance anxiety is a natural response to the unique pressures of alienation.
• Catastrophic thinking and self-blame are common but can be challenged.
• Small, repeated actions and reality-testing negative predictions help build confidence.
• Mindfulness, support, and self-compassion are essential tools for healing.
• Progress is about showing up, not perfection.

Notable Quotes:

• “If you’ve ever found yourself overthinking every word, replaying each moment, or feel like you’re auditioning for the role of the perfect parent—as if there was one—you are definitely not alone.”
• “Performance anxiety would kind of come with the territory of alienation. So anytime that you go into a court appearance, supervised visitation, it is about you, right?”
• “The more that we think our role is being threatened, the more we try to make those moments count.”
• “Catastrophic thinking reinforces and brings us right back to that state of emergency that we don’t like.”
• “You showed up and you did one thing differently. Keep noticing and celebrating those baby wins.”

Timestamps:

• 0:00 – Introduction & episode overview
• 0:46 – Listener request and why performance anxiety matters
• 1:17 – What performance anxiety looks like for alienated parents
• 3:48 – Court appearances and the pressure to perform
• 8:13 – Supervised visits and overthinking every gesture
• 11:11 – Making moments count and the fear of not measuring up
• 16:35 – Emotional and cognitive roots of performance anxiety
• 29:23 – Catastrophic thinking and other cognitive traps
• 38:34 – Tools and strategies to break the cycle
• 50:54 – Building new habits and celebrating small wins
• 1:00:22 – Final encouragement and closing