#237: How Anxious & Avoidant People Differ Around Breakups

In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don’t mean what you think they mean.

We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyperactivation — intense grief, rumination, urgency, and the need to understand what happened — and how avoidant attachment tends to deactivate under stress, sometimes resulting in relief, distraction, or moving on quickly. We also talk about the timing mismatch that can occur, where one person feels everything immediately and the other processes more slowly (or more superficially).

The core takeaway: different coping strategies are not a measure of love, worth, or who cared more. And comparing your internal experience to their outward presentation will only keep you stuck.

In this episode, we cover:

• Why comparison after a breakup fuels suffering for anxious attachers
• How hyperactivation and deactivation shape the breakup experience
• Why relief doesn’t mean they didn’t care
• The common “timing mismatch” in anxious–avoidant breakups
• How to shift your focus back to yourself instead of analysing them

If you’re going through a breakup, you can register for my free breakup training here.