23. "You're going to learn to love yourself in a way you couldn't before, but you have to just hold on." With Onyi Ijeh

Onyi’s dark night began when cracks appeared after she was let go from her third job in a row. She could no longer ignore the incongruence between her self-concept and reality, and “a lot of the foundation of who I thought I was” began to shatter. Initially, her defensive armour fought back, but “once the floodgates opened,” her ego began to dissolve. Gradually, and with the support of a therapist, she went from being adrift at sea on a raft to building and learning how to sail a sturdy, capacious ship.

Amongst many other things, we talk about the importance of radical honesty and the desire to be rooted in the truth; the sheer exhaustion that comes with having to keep the floodgates closed; and coming down into a reality deeper than rigid ideas of good and bad. We touch on understanding our trauma strategies and how they were born out of real moments; how therapy and spirituality can be used to bolster the self-concept; and how the false ego needs to be mourned. We also discuss discovering more stable foundations on which to rest ourselves; taking baby steps to grow a new self; and how our initial realisations have deepened over time.

Onyi Ijeh is the host of Interesting People of Earth, a digital campfire for meaningful dialogue about life and purpose. Onyi has a background in International Development and Communications but has recently had to pivot her career due to political developments in the U.S. Onyi has taken this time to pursue her passion for storytelling and person advocacy via her tik tok @wontonamera and her podcast @interestingpplofearth.

Fiona Robertson is the author of The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence, and Eve Was a Realist: Poems for the Untamed Heart. She works with many people who are going through a dark night or spiritual emergency, accompanying them in this challenging terrain as they rediscover and deepen into their real selves. She also offers both a monthly dark night gathering group, and occasional workshops for therapists and counsellors.

Connect with Fiona

Mentions

Onyi mentions Plato’s Allegory of the Cave.

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Music by James Waring / Design by Adam McKillop / Artwork by Stefan Armoneit