217. How do kids learn to regulate emotions? Turning big feelings into smart choices.

Big feelings are not the problem. The real issue is when kids don’t know what those feelings are for or what to do with them.In this episode of Overpowering Emotions, Dr. Caroline walks through how to help children and teens move from “I feel awful” to “Here’s what I need and here’s what I’m going to do.”You’ll hear how to:Teach kids to read their body signals and name emotions with more precisionLink emotions to underlying needs, values, and goalsUse primary and secondary appraisal (Is this dangerous? Can I handle it?) to guide copingSpot when strategies are actually avoidance in disguiseBuild “if–then” plans so kids know exactly what to do when big feelings hitPractice emotion-focused vs. problem-focused coping without rescuing or over-accommodatingPerfect for educators, parents, and mental health professionals who want practical ways to match responses to kids’ emotions and needs, build resilience, and stop reinforcing avoidance.Homework IdeasDaily Emotion–Need Check-InGoal: Link feelings → needs → possible actions.How: Once a day (morning meeting, bedtime, or session check-in), ask:o “What are you feeling?”o “Where do you feel it in your body?”o “What might this feeling be telling you that you need or want?”o “What’s one small thing that might help?”Use an emotion wheel or your Emotional Literacy Workbook as a word bank.Helpful resource: Get the free Emotional Literacy Workbook PDF (https://korulearninginstitute.kit.com/emotionaliteracy) Primary vs. Secondary Appraisal PracticeGoal: Help kids sort “this feels huge” from “this is truly dangerous” and “can I handle it?”How: With a recent stressor (test, friend issue, gym class):Ask Primary appraisal questions:o “What makes this feel scary, hard, or unfair?”o “Is something actually unsafe, or does it mostly feel big?”Ask Secondary appraisal questions:o “Have you been in something like this before?”o “What helped even a tiny bit?”o “Who or what could support you this time?”Write answers together on a simple worksheet so they can see the pattern. Build an If–Then Coping PlanGoal: Turn vague coping into concrete, rehearsed responses.How: Pick one recurring trigger and script it: “If I start to panic before a math quiz, then I will:1. Put both feet on the floor2. Notice where the feeling is in my body3. Answer the easiest question first.”Practice this when calm, then in low-stakes situations, then in the real one. Body Mapping & Riding the WaveGoal: Increase interoceptive awareness and distress tolerance.How: Print a body outline. Ask the child to draw where they feel worry / anger / shame. Add words: “tight,” “hot,” “heavy,” “buzzy,” “pressure,” etc.During a mild spike, coach:o “Notice: stronger on the left or right?”o “Let’s watch what happens for 60–90 seconds.”Track: Did it grow, stay the same, or drop?This normalizes “waves” and shows the nervous system can rise and fall without escape. Role-Play Triggers SafelyGoal: Let kids rehearse new responses without public shame.How: Ask: “What does your sibling/classmate do that really sets you off?”Recreate a version with you (e.g., you hum “Baby Shark” while they do homework).Guide them to:o Notice body cueso Label the feelingo Use their plan: drop into the body, self-coaching, opposite action, etc.Repeat until they can access the new response faster. “Even If…” Values StatementsGoal: Tie coping to what matters most, not just symptom reduction.How: Help kids finish:· “Even if I feel anxious, I’m still going to ____ because ____ matters to me.”· “Even if I feel left out, I’m still going to ____ because ____ is important to me.”Post their top 2–3 on a card, locker, or notebook.Revisit after exposures: “Did acting on your value help, even with the feeling there?”Enjoying the show? Help out by rating this podcast on Apple to help others get access to this information too! apple.co/3ysFijh Follow Dr. Caroline YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carolinebuzankoIG: https://www.instagram.com/dr.carolinebuzanko/ LinkedIn: https://ca.linkedin.com/in/dr-caroline-buzankoFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrCarolineBuzanko/X: https://x.com/drcarolinebuzWebsite: https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/Resources: https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/#resourcesBusiness inquiries: https://korupsychology.ca/contact-us/Want to learn more about helping kids strengthen their emotion regulation skills and problem-solving brains while boosting their confidence, independence, and resilience? Check out my many training opportunities! https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/upcoming-events/