181. How can parents set boundaries without punishment?

Parenting expert and therapist Todd Sarner joins Andrew and Caroline to unpack what it really means to guide children without shame or punishment.

From his 20+ years of experience, Todd outlines the three pillars of proactive parenting: strengthening attachment and connection, creating a rhythm and environment that supports kids, and teaching natural consequences without shame.

Together, they explore how separation anxiety shows up at bedtime, mornings, and school transitions, and why “collect before you direct” can change everything. This episode gives parents practical tools to reduce power struggles, hold boundaries with empathy, and raise resilient, emotionally secure kids.

Homework Ideas

Collect Before You Direct: Practice greeting your child warmly (eye contact, smile, touch) before asking them to do something.

Bridging Practice: At goodbyes (bedtime, school drop-off), give your child a clear picture of when and how you’ll reconnect (“I’ll see you in two sleeps” / “When you get home, I’ll have a snack waiting for you”).

Reset Routine: If family rules and follow-through feel inconsistent, hold a “reset” talk with your child: acknowledge the inconsistency, clarify expectations, and explain what will happen moving forward.

Matter-of-Fact Consequences: Next time you enforce a limit, do it calmly and without shame — like Columbo, keep it simple, warm, and firm.

Empathy Check: After holding a boundary, add empathy: “I know this is hard. I love you, and I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

Recommended Resources:

• Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate
• Parenting with Love and Logic by Charles Fay & Foster Cline
• Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Charles Fay & Foster Cline

About Todd

Todd Sarner is a parenting coach and psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience helping families turn daily power struggles and emotional chaos into connection, calm, and cooperation at home. His work is grounded in attachment science and practical psychology, with a focus on giving parents real-world tools that actually work—especially when emotions are high and patience is low. Todd was an original intern of renowned developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld and later served as a Faculty Member of the Neufeld Institute, where he trained professionals in attachment-based approaches to parenting.

www.transformativeparenting.com

www.masterclassforparents.com

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www.linkedin.com/in/toddsarner/

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