1 Maccabees Chapter 16: Bible Study by Atheists

Simon “I’m too old for this shit” Maccabee finally taps out and hands the family blood-feud business to his sons, because nothing says “healthy succession plan” like immediate warfare and a leadership hand-off sponsored by help from heaven (sure, Jan). John (a.k.a. “Johnny Boy,” because this book refuses to give anyone a unique name) marches out with 20,000 troops to deal with Kendabias, and somehow the most dramatic obstacle is… a brook. A whole army is terrified to cross a brook. Not a raging river. A brook. (Ancient warfare: brought to you by wet socks and vibes.)

Then the episode hits the real historical classic: political backstabbing served with a side of dinner rolls. Enter Ptolemy son of Abubus, a rich governor with big “I deserve your throne” energy, who invites Simon and sons to a nice little banquet at a stronghold called Doc… and murders them mid-party. Because in the Maccabees cinematic universe, “hospitality” is just a prelude to assassination. Naturally, Ptolemy also sends out kill squads to wipe out Johnny Boy next, but John gets tipped off, goes full survival mode, and starts deleting threats like it’s an ancient group chat.

And just when you expect payoff? The chapter ends like it rage-quit: “John did a bunch of stuff, but it’s in another book, go read that.” Cool. Thanks. Love a story that ends with “the rest is DLC.”

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📌 Topics Covered:

• 1 Maccabees 16: Simon retires… by sending his kids to do more war
• The “brook scene”—why are hardened soldiers afraid of a brook, exactly?
• Kendabias gets routed, people get “wounded to death” (10/10 medical reporting)
• Ptolemy son of Abubus pulls the “banquet betrayal” move—ancient politics stays consistent
• Johnny Boy gets the “they killed your family and they’re coming for you too” memo
• The chapter’s weird mic-drop ending: “John’s achievements are in the chronicles—bye”
• Bonus digressions: pie discourse, Cool Whip supremacy, and general betrayal fatigue

💬 Best Quote from the Episode (actual quote):

“Think about how stinky their taint is.”

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