1 Maccabees Chapter 13: Bible Study by Atheists

Simon steps up after Jonathan’s betrayal-and-capture situation turns into a full-on “Greek politics but make it messy” episode. 1 Maccabees 13 opens with panic—Trifon’s marching, everyone’s terrified, then Simon does the classic leader move: pep talk, fortify Jerusalem, and start tossing people out of cities like it’s a casual hobby (“Simon says get the f*ck out” becomes the unofficial theme).

Then comes the ransom plot that screams “This will definitely work”—Trifon claims Jonathan’s being detained over money (sure, Jan), demands 100 talents of silver and two sons as hostages, and… shocker… keeps the cash and the kids and Jonathan. The chapter finally admits what we all assumed last time: Trifon kills Jonathan anyway, then peaces out like a cartoon villain who just remembered he left the stove on.

Meanwhile Simon goes full nation-builder: monuments, pyramids (math optional), and a letter from King Demetrius basically saying, “Look, we’re busy, keep your forts, stop paying taxes, let’s call it peace.” Then Simon conquers Gazara and the Jerusalem citadel, “cleanses” idol-houses (because nothing says holiness like forced removals), and literally creates a yearly celebration for it. Yes, another holiday, because apparently ancient Judea ran on palm branches and petty revenge.

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📌 Topics Covered:

• 1 Maccabees 13 recap: Simon inherits the chaos and immediately starts fortifying everything.
• Trifon’s hostage “negotiation” tactic—and why negotiating with kidnappers goes exactly how you think.
• Jonathan’s death: weirdly abrupt, wildly anticlimactic, and still somehow political.
• Simon’s “cleansing” campaign: mercy… but only after eviction and idol-policing.
• Demetrius’ letter: surprise tax forgiveness because empire-management is exhausting.
• The Jerusalem citadel famine angle—“liberation” with a side of starvation.
• Simon invents a holiday to celebrate “enemy destroyed” (aka shoved out).

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“You have a beard now. You have hair on your nuts. You can have this city.”

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