The Toddler Negotiator: What the FBI Didn’t Train You For

Drop the Juice Box and No One Gets Hurt

"Tiny Hostage Negotiator: FBI Tactics for Surviving Your Toddler’s Demands" is the laugh-out-loud, sanity-saving parenting manual you didn’t know you needed. Blending real-world crisis negotiation strategies with the daily chaos of raising a small child, this book turns tantrums, power struggles, and mealtime standoffs into hilarious but practical case studies. Because let’s face it: your toddler may not have a weapon, but they do have a scream that could bring down an air traffic control tower.

From active listening to tactical retreats, from offering controlled choices to walking away before you self-combust, this book shows how principles used by FBI and police negotiators can (sometimes) help you de-escalate high-stakes toddler meltdowns — or at least survive them with your dignity mostly intact. Through short chapters, absurdly relatable examples, and laugh-out-loud scripts, you’ll learn how to stay calm, stay connected, and maybe even get them to wear pants.

This isn’t about raising perfect kids or being a perfect parent. It’s about building trust, holding boundaries, and finding humor in the wildest moments. Whether you’re a brand-new parent or a battle-worn veteran of bedtime negotiations, Tiny Hostage Negotiator will make you feel seen, supported, and slightly less alone in the juice-stained trenches.