Tan Lines, Tinder, and Testicle Sunburns!

A Naked Girl’s Guide To How Guys Can Let It All Hang Out Without Getting Arrested

De: Kristin Williams

Narrado por: Virtual Voice

I am going to say this straight out before you even settle in with your coffee or your kombucha or whatever Seattle thing you are sipping: I never set out to be the self-appointed queen of naked living. It just sort of happened the way a squirrel finds itself in a bird feeder, confused and a little proud.

Somewhere between my thirty-eighth birthday and my second trip to a clothing-optional beach in Portugal, I realized I had more to say about naked living than I did about home mortgages, gluten-free sourdough starters, or why my HOA president seems to hate me personally. (I know why. It was that one incident with the naked yoga in my backyard. Long story. Not apologizing.)

And now, here we are, you and me, talking about balls. Specifically, yours. And how not to ruin them.

Because fellas, let me tell you, I have seen things. I have traveled to nudist resorts all over the world, and I have witnessed more tragic man-scaping choices than there are Starbucks locations in the greater Seattle area. Men come into this lifestyle thinking they can just drop trou, stand proud, and call it a day. Oh no no no. There are rules. There is etiquette. There are, as I like to say, gravity-based realities.

The first time I went to a nude beach, I did not plan on a front row seat to a man named Craig trying to tan his testicles like he was basting a Thanksgiving turkey. He fell asleep. For three hours. Do you know what happens when the Pacific Northwest sun actually decides to show up for once and beam straight down on your most tender dangly parts? His screams made a toddler cry and a pelican fly away in terror.

And so I learned: men need help. They need a guide. Someone to say, hey buddy, maybe don’t sit on that hot rock without a towel unless you want to brand your future children with a waffle pattern.

That is where I come in.

This book is not about me telling you how to look good naked, because frankly, naked is naked. We are all weird, wobbly, freckled, patchy, and perfectly imperfect. This book is about how not to hurt yourself, humiliate yourself, or end up on a police report for indecent exposure just because you wanted to let the boys breathe.

I live just outside Seattle where it rains 358 days a year, so when the sun comes out, we all lose our minds. I run around my backyard like a happy Labrador, and yes, sometimes that involves taking off all my clothes. Tanya, my best friend since middle school, says I have no shame. She is not wrong. She also says she has a better butt, which is debatable, but I digress.

Over the years, from the beaches of Spain to the hot springs of Iceland to a terrifying nudist cruise that we will never speak of again, I have compiled a list of mistakes that men make when they decide to go naked. These are cautionary tales. These are survival skills. These are… well, a lot of them are just straight up funny, and they will make you feel better about your own bits.

So buckle up (figuratively, because we are all taking off our belts) and let us go on this wild ride together. By the end, you will know where to sit, how to stand, what not to dangle over a campfire, and why sunscreen is the best friend your boys will ever have.

Welcome to the club. Now put a towel down before you sit on my chair.