Left Behind: A Book For Suicide Survivors

Releasing Guilt and Finding Joy after a Loved Ones Suicide

De: Vanessa Bednar

Narrado por: Virtual Voice

During the fifteen years before my father’s deliberate, yet tragic suicide, I had a fairytale childhood. Our spacious house, built by my father, was located between both sets of my grandparents’ homes. All my emotional and material needs were met. But when changes started happening with my dad, I didn’t notice them . . . until I willfully disobeyed him, lied to him and betrayed him, for which he shunned me. From my teenager point of view, “that” started a downward spiral, with the end being his suicide: a bullet, a hanging, and my perfect childhood home on fire. For various reasons, I believed all of this was my fault, and “going on” afterward seemed impossible. So much of “what happened” was immediately put in a box. Throughout the 20 years of the guilt sentence I gave myself, I opened the box time and time again, taking out the pieces of what I’d experienced, examining them and learning what I could about resolving them within myself. Now, having documented it all in this book, the box is open, for all to see. No more secrets. My world quickly came apart at the seams when my dad took his life. Given I viewed this tragic event through teenaged eyes, it wrecked me in every conceivable way and then I blamed myself for 20 years. On the outside, sure, I appeared to eventually “move on with my life”—but at first it was because of my “Why not? Life can suck in a moment’s notice” attitude. I ended up accomplishing a lot, but his suicide always overshadowed any happiness I experienced. I still felt empty, even after a successful career producing hundreds of Hawaiian Tropic Model Search pageants all over the world (including their 25th annual International Finals in Las Vegas), plenty of world travel, and raising two wonderful children. One day, I knew it was time to reexamine my life and come to terms with my past and the choices I’d made. With help, I learned to own my part in the pain, the past and the present. Throughout my “process,” the universe continually pushed me to keep digging and pursuing “what’s true,” so I could, once and for all, come to terms with my father’s suicide. (Heck, I even died—for a minute—after a concussion and experienced an honest-to-God “life review.”) I don’t know if the process will ever be over, but at least I have started to heal. http://www.leftbehind-abookforsuicidesurvivors.com