Half Dead! Half Alive! No Stone Left Unturned!

De: P.C. McCubbin

Narrado por: Virtual Voice

Shag surveyed the numerous bullet holes in his body. “Fuzz, we’ve been beat by a hurricane, near buried alive in mud, shot more times than I can count, done died and gone to the Hereafter only to be rejected by both Heaven and Hell cause we hadn’t done something we were supposed to have done before we got there. “And this something, according to bald headed Harold in Afterlife Receiving, is of such importance to the Great Scheme of Things that we got sent back to do it. “Now we aren’t dead or alive but something stuck in between…half dead, half alive. “We feel rain but no pain. Smell like cat vomit. Look like shit warmed over. “You’ve got a hole in your head the size of a saucer. You are covered in white airbag dust and black soot. You’re plucking musical notes on a pitchfork tine stuck in your chest. “I got gooey black hair dye running down my face. White circles around my eyes. I look like a zebra owl with a bad tan.” Fuzz thumped the long pitchfork tine sticking out of his chest. A soft, sweet chime sounded. “Well, that’s not all of our problems neither. We also got old Harold telling us we too dead to die. Says we got things all backwards and upside down too. Says we can’t die cause we got to be alive to die and we being half alive isn’t enough alive to get totally dead. And I’m not thinking that’s our fault.” “Yeah, I can agree with that. It was Harold’s Afterlife Receiving clerks what called us to the Hereafter too early. Made some kind of erroneous errors in doing it…so he claims.” Fuzz nodded. “Yep, says his clerks are all new. They only got a few decades training so they occasionally doing erroneous errors.” Shag frowned. “Yeah, now we’re stuck in between the up and the down. Can’t be alive because we’re too dead. We can’t die because we are already dead. In order to die we got to be alive first and dead second. Harold screwed up when he restored us to half alive, half dead. We got too little of both to be all of the other.” “Huh?” “What I’m saying is we got to be made alive again before we can die and until Harold’s techies figure out how to make us alive again from being already dead, we can’t be dead or be alive. We got no choice but to be half dead, half alive. “Bullets don’t do nothing to us. Get shot over and over and nothing happens. We can feel rain but no pain.” Fuzz thumped his tine again. A low, deep booming chime sounded. “Well, we got one thing going for us old bounty hunters. Bad guys can’t kill the dead. So, let’s kick some ass!”