God's Not Coming, so Save Yourself: Special Edition

De: Jaymes Shore

Narrado por: Virtual Voice

*This Special Edition contains two previously unpublished stories* A little faith may help some people through the long dark night, and into the light. Sometimes, faith leads people into the darkest places imaginable (depending on how dark your imagination is). Any sinister action can be justified in the name of God. It doesn’t matter if your God is real, imaginary, or something in-between. Prepare to be offended by sixteen tales of belief gone amiss. These are failings in both God and Country. In all cases, blind faith has led to tragic results or at least the unpleasant ones. Many of these stories were inspired by real life occurrences. We have suffered through: Abortion clinic terrorist attacks, priests whipping children to death during exorcisms, inaccurate end of the world predictions, multi-millionaire preachers robbing their followers, traffic ticket cameras from hell, healthcare thieves, Religious child molesters, collection agencies for delinquent church and temple contributions, and the stealing of the Pope’s water glass. We have also seen the Government blur the separation of church and state. None of these events will bring about a happy ending. God’s not coming, so save yourself. Suffer through these terrors and many more: A man builds his own ark, after experiencing a vision during a dental procedure. When the flood comes, he is ready. Unfortunately, repopulating the Earth is left up to a brother and sister, and they hate each other. It doesn’t help when you bring sin aboard, instead of food for the animals. It’s never easy when you owe money, and the collection agency is after you. It’s even worse when the collection men have God firmly on their side. A troubled child has a new imaginary friend. The boy requires professional help, but the insurance won’t cover it. His parents turn to a priest instead. Unfortunately, the man of God has some odd ideas about curing children. This brings about some unpleasant consequences. Pretty soon, the entire town believes in the boy’s invisible friend. They will never be the same again. Religious isolationism can be dangerous and unhealthy. A father’s heritage is ignored, and the results are catastrophic. Also, never sit in the front row during a circumcision. A lonely priest is abandoned by his congregation and the modern world. Nobody needs to be saved, helped, or counseled anymore. Without followers to serve, he descends into madness. When a stranger comes to him with an impossible dilemma, the priest’s sanity only deteriorates further. It doesn’t help, when the Jesus on the church’s crucifix steps off the cross and points to the priest in judgment. Nobody will receive salvation today. When a woman’s smartphone from God breaks, her ability to donate smashes with it. She discovers a new path to salvation. It comes in the form of a holy crusade, as teaches her neighbors to keep Christ in Christmas. During the zombie apocalypse, it doesn’t matter if the food is kosher. Just eat the damn ham. A Preacher predicts the end of the world; again. His followers sell everything, quit their jobs, and wait for the rapture. If they believe hard enough, this end of the world prophecy may become self-fulfilling. Enjoy these tales of faith, and pray none of them come true.