Dracula

A Sweary Classics Adaptation

Bram Stoker's vampire masterpiece—minus the formal Victorian letters that read like legal documents.

What's a Sweary Classic? The complete, unabridged original story—same plot, same characters, same emotional devastation—just translated into modern, hilarious, sweary language that doesn't require a literature degree to understand. Think: all the Gothic horror, zero epistolary Victorian torture.

Jonathan Harker is a young lawyer who travels to Transylvania for what should be a simple real estate transaction with a mysterious count. Instead, he discovers his client is an ancient vampire who's holding him prisoner in a crumbling castle, sleeping in a coffin, and planning to move to England to feast on fresh victims. By the time Jonathan realizes what's happening, Dracula has already left for London—and Jonathan's fiancée Mina is directly in his path.

Now Jonathan's documenting his psychological breakdown in formal diary entries while Dracula is in England seducing Mina's best friend Lucy, who's mysteriously getting sicker every night. A Dutch professor named Van Helsing shows up with wild theories about vampires, everyone's writing letters to each other instead of just talking, and you're trying to piece together the timeline from newspaper clippings and stenography notes. Suddenly this ragtag group has to hunt down an immortal predator who's faster, stronger, and about a thousand years more experienced at killing than they are.

The stakes? If they don't find Dracula and destroy him before he fully establishes himself in England, he'll create an army of undead and turn Victorian London into his personal feeding ground. And Dracula's already drinking Mina's blood, which means she's running out of time before she becomes one of his brides—forever.

If you love Gothic horror that's genuinely creepy, vampire hunters armed with crucifixes and terrible plans, and the original bloodsucker who inspired every vampire story since—this sweary retelling will let you actually enjoy the story without cross-referencing whose journal you're reading.

Grab Sweary Classics: Dracula today and discover why this tale still terrifies readers—no Victorian correspondence etiquette manual required!