#142 - Why We Get Defensive, and What to Do Instead

Why do we get defensive in conversations with the people we care about?

Sometimes defensiveness looks like arguing or pushing back. But it can also show up in quieter ways: freezing when someone makes a request, explaining ourselves over and over, or trying to control the situation so we don’t feel uncomfortable.

In this episode, I explore two common relational moments: one where someone freezes when a request is made, and another where a couple gets caught in defensiveness and subtle power struggles around autonomy and values.

Defensiveness isn’t something “bad” about us. It’s a form of self-protection. Our nervous system is trying to protect something important—our dignity, our autonomy, our belonging.

The question isn’t how to eliminate defensiveness.

The question is how we can learn to work with it in ways that create more understanding and connection.

Listen to Learn

• Why defensiveness often shows up as freezing, explaining, or controlling rather than arguing

• How to respond skillfully when requests trigger a defensive reaction

• A simple shift that helps conversations move from power struggles to understanding

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Twice a month, I host live calls where members bring real relationship dilemmas. We slow things down and I'll help you see what's actually happening and how to respond with more integrity, strength and care.

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