189. When Your Divorcing Spouse Is Still Trying to Control You ( It’s Hurting Your Case)

If your ex is still controlling you and you keep reacting, explaining, or trying to keep the peace… you might be actively hurting your legal case without even realizing it.

Because here’s the thing: divorce doesn’t cure controlling behavior—it often exposes it. And control doesn’t always look loud. Sometimes it looks “polite.” Sometimes it looks like silence. Sometimes it looks like a thousand tiny moments that make your stomach drop.

In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, attorney Morgan Stogsdill and comedian Andrea Rappaport break down what control looks like after separation, why it escalates, and the legal + emotional action steps to shut it down.

And yes—there’s also a story involving a tambourine, a fire-lit “happiness class,” and a man casually threatening everyone with a tombstone. (Welcome to the show.)

What You’ll Learn in This Episode✅ How control shows up during divorce (even when it’s not obvious)

Morgan explains that control can look like:

1. Financial control: “I’ll pay when I feel like it,” monitoring spending, moving goalposts
2. Micromanaging parenting and second-guessing everything you do
3. Weaponized silence / delayed responses to make you spiral
4. Making you feel like you need permission for decisions you don’t need permission for
5. “Polite” manipulation disguised as “concern for the kids”

Why control often escalates after separation

Andrea explains the psychology: when someone loses access and power, they often pull harder—because control is how they regulate their discomfort.

The dangerous legal issue most people miss: “splitting”

Morgan explains how controlling behavior can drive a wedge between you and your attorney—making you doubt your lawyer, hold back details, or get pulled into the ex’s narrative.

That’s not just stressful. It can derail your strategy and cost you serious money.

The communication trap that keeps you stuck

If your nervous system is hijacked every time they text you, you’ll default to the old pattern:

1. Reacting
2. Over-explaining
3. Trying to smooth things over
4. Trying to get them to “understand”

Which gives them exactly what they want: access.

The Tools That Help You Stop the Control1) Tighten the structure (legally + logistically)

Morgan explains why vague agreements don’t work with controlling people.

Example of vague: “reasonable communication.”

Problem: “reasonable” becomes a playground for manipulation.

2) Reduce access

Because (say it with us): control fades when access fades.

That may mean:

1. limiting communication
2. using a parenting app
3. not responding to bait
4. pushing...