Why You Stay in DEAD Relationships: The Identity Trap

Why You Stay in DEAD Relationships: The Identity Trap

"I think people stay in dead relationships because their identity is actually attached to that relationship." — Joshua T. Berglan

In this profound episode of Gloves Off After Dark, The World's Mayor, Joshua T. Berglan, and Dr. Kalpana Sandar dissect one of the most painful questions in dating: Why do we stay when we know it's over? The answer, they discover, often has less to do with love and everything to do with a fractured sense of self.

The Identity Trap & The Prison of Secrets

Joshua kicks off the conversation with a hard truth: many people stay in dead relationships not because they love their partner, but because they love the identity the relationship gives them—whether that's "committed wife," "family man," or "high school sweetheart."

He digs deeper into his own past, revealing a darker reason for staying: Secrets. Joshua shares how he felt imprisoned in relationships because his partners knew his "monster"—his drug use, his crimes, and his alternate lifestyles. He stayed because he feared that no one else would ever love the "real" him, leading to a toxic cycle where the devil he knew felt safer than the unknown.

Downplaying Your Bigness

Dr. Kalpana relates this to her own struggle, not with secrets, but with dimming her light. She describes how she used to "downplay her bigness" to make others comfortable, hiding her ambition and opinions to be more "palatable."

• The Shift: Both hosts discuss the exhaustion of maintaining these masks—whether it’s Joshua’s "performer mode" or Dr. Kalpa’s "white coat persona."
• The Resolution: The moment they decided to stop disassociating and start living as one integrated self, the wrong people fell away, and the right people began to appear.

Romance is the Seasoning, Not the Cake

In a standout moment, the duo redefines what a healthy relationship looks like. Joshua admits he used to chase the "high" of romance—the rose petals and grand gestures—often at the expense of substance.

Dr. Kalpa offers a perfect metaphor: "Love is like a recipe... Partnership and shared goals are the cake. Romance is just the seasoning." They agree that while romance is fun, a true "teammate" relationship is built on shared purpose and the ability to push each other toward greatness.

The Divine Masculine & Feminine

The conversation concludes with a spiritual take on compatibility. They discuss the necessity of integrating both the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine energies within oneself. It is not about sexuality, but about balance—healing the divide within so you can attract a partner who loves your whole self, not just the mask you wear.

Conclusion

This episode is a call to stop settling. Whether it's fear of being alone, cultural pressure, or the comfort of a familiar toxicity, Joshua and Dr. Kalpa urge viewers to find their true identity first. Only then can you find a relationship that is truly alive.

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