E.238 Part 2 How Shift Work, Hypervigilance, And Silence Erode Love—and What We Can Do About It

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In part 2 with Alexa Silva, we discuss how love doesn’t clock out when the tones drop. We sat down to unpack what really happens when a first responder’s world of shift work, hypervigilance, and on-call stress collides with the everyday demands of family life—and why even strong couples can drift into silence, scorekeeping, and resentment without clear structure and care.

Across a candid, fast-moving conversation, we dig into how intimacy has to evolve over time, especially when schedules are brutal and sleep is scarce. We talk about the danger of tallying sex and affection, the quiet slide into emotional affairs powered by loneliness and praise, and the small, steady actions that rebuild safety: consistent compliments, micro-moments of touch, and explicit “ask for what you need” scripts. You’ll hear practical frameworks for decompression after shifts, deciding whether you want listening or solutions, and using shared calendars to lower friction when overtime or call-outs derail plans.

We also get honest about money, overtime, and the resentment loop that forms when one partner feels like both parents while the other chases a bigger paycheck. There’s a path out: monthly “state of us” check-ins, clear rules for spending, and tradeoffs made in daylight instead of assumptions made in anger. We cover role clarity—your spouse can be your partner, not your therapist—plus the kind of self-care that actually restores a nervous system hammered by trauma exposure. Whether you’re a cop, firefighter, medic, dispatcher, or the person holding down the fort at home, these tools meet the reality of your life.

If you’re ready to replace mind reading with honest asks and turn resentment into repair, hit play. Then tell us what changed after you tried one tool. Subscribe, share with your crew, and leave a review to help more first responder families find the support they deserve.

To reach Alexa, here is the link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/alexa-silva-chelmsford-ma/1140390

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