Why Relationships Hurt — And Why That’s Not a Problem

Dr. Susan Campbell on Inconvenient Pain, Triggers & The PauseWhy conflict is normal — and how learning to “pause” can transform your closest relationships.Psychologist, author, and renowned couples therapist Dr. Susan Campbell returns to Mind Body Health & Politics for a powerful conversation about emotional pain, conflict, and the skills most of us were never taught.She and Dr. Richard Louis Miller explore why relationships inevitably hurt, why humans instinctively avoid emotional discomfort, and how this avoidance prevents us from growing. Instead of trying to “fix” or escape pain, Susan teaches how to feel it, understand it, and use it as a doorway to deeper connection.Susan explains why old childhood wounds get triggered in relationships, how the nervous system reacts under stress, and why even minor disagreements can unleash outsized reactions. She and Richard discuss the universal patterns couples fall into — denial, control, withdrawal, blame — and how practicing the pause interrupts these automatic behaviors.They also explore the deeper psychological landscape: why civilized cultures are addicted to control, how intimacy exposes our vulnerabilities, and why emotional courage is essential for personal and collective evolution.This conversation is honest, warm, practical, and deeply human. If you've ever wondered why conflict feels overwhelming — or how to navigate it with clarity and compassion — this episode offers tools that can change your relationships from the inside out.GuestDr. Susan Campbell — psychologist, couples therapist, group facilitator, and author of 12+ books including Getting Real, Truth in Dating, The Couples Journey, and From Triggered to Tranquil. She is internationally known for her work on honesty, emotional triggers, and relationship communication.Key TopicsWhy emotional pain is normal — not a sign something is “wrong”“Inconvenient pain” and why relationships activate our earliest woundsHow childhood patterns influence adult reactionsTriggers: what they are, why they happen, and how to recognize themThe body’s role in emotional reactions: fight, flight, freeze, control, or withdrawalWhy most of us avoid pain — and how this avoidance creates more sufferingThe Pause: how to interrupt spirals before real damage occursHow conscious breathing calms the nervous system after activationCompassionate self-inquiry: what to do after you pauseHow to identify your personal “control patterns”Saying no with kindness vs. protecting yourself with avoidanceExpansion of emotional capacity as a path to personal evolutionWhy our culture trains us to answer quickly — and how slowing down changes everythingHow relationships become mirrors that reveal unhealed woundsTeaching emotional intelligence to children — and why it mattersWhy genuine relating is more important than managing outcomesTimestamps00:00 — Why humans need community to thrive00:58 — Introducing Dr. Susan Campbell01:20 — Susan’s core message: expanding our capacity for emotional discomfort02:33 — What “inconvenient pain” really means03:45 — Why humans avoid painful truths04:19 — Normal frustrations inside relationships05:18 — Why our culture romanticizes ease — and misleads us06:40 — Pain as an opportunity for emotional growth07:51 — Childhood wounds and how relationships reactivate them09:30 — Real-life example: wanting different things at the same time10:55 — Triggered reactions: control, withdrawal, shutdown11:53 — How to recognize your trigger patterns13:45 — How to sit with discomfort instead of escaping it15:20 — How triggers mix the past with the present17:58 — The value of seeing your old patterns clearly19:51 — Why conflict escalates so fast20:26 — Susan’s signature tool: The Pause22:01 — Why talking while triggered never works23:55 — How to calm your nervous system during a pause25:30 — “You know the pause is working when you’re no longer blaming.”25:46 — Conscious breathing as emotional regulation26:36 — Why discipline leads to long-term harmony28:36 — Emotional skills we should teach children30:01 — Beyond the pause: compassionate self-inquiry31:14 — How self-compassion arises naturally after nervous-system calming33:22 — Why these tools should be taught in schools35:30 — Addiction to control in modern culture37:21 — Saying no with kindness39:14 — Control patterns: how we avoid discomfort41:27 — Why taking time to respond feels threatening in our culture43:28 — What happens when we fear uncomfortable outcomes45:51 — Susan’s final additional insight47:37 — Closing reflections and where to find Susan’s work This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mindbodyhealthpolitics.org/subscribe