Episode 129 - Honey, I Fucked the Son

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aaaAAAaaa walked into this episode like a man determined to prove that rock bottom is not a location but a state of cocktail consciousness. Thus was born "The Rejected Offering" a hotdog martini that immediately triggered a collective, visceral “oh no” from everyone present. Built from ketchup, spicy brown mustard, muddled relish brine, lemon juice, vodka, and a hefeweizen float “for bread,” this drink was essentially a liquid Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Garnished with teeny weenies, it was more an act of performance art than a beverage. And of course, when the others revolted after their first sips, aaaAAAaaa — like Cain, but with a higher tolerance — drank all three.

Scriptures: [00:33:37]
Moroni took us through Moses 5, the moment the family of Adam graduates from “naked gardening” to “institutionalized murder and cult formation.” Using the Pearl of Great Price remix of Genesis — the version God allegedly showed Moses through a burning 19th-century VR headset — Moroni highlighted just how much of this chapter gets repurposed verbatim in the LDS temple endowment. The angel explaining sacrifice? The law-of-sacrifice phrasing? Eve’s “Wherefore, we rejoice…” line? Yep — straight from Moses 5.

We get the classic beats: Adam tills, Eve “also labors with him” (the scriptural equivalent of saying “she helped”), everyone starts having kids with everyone else, and suddenly Cain and Abel exist to reenact the world's first true-crime documentary. Moroni walked through Cain’s floor-fruit offering versus Abel’s blood sacrifice, God’s weird favoritism, and Cain’s bisexual-coded “Who is the Lord that I should know him?” before the inevitable rock-to-head fratricide. By the end, God curses Cain, darkness spreads, and the entire human family structure starts looking like a closed-circle Utah genealogy chart.

Church Teachings: [00:55:31]
Abish pulled apart how LDS doctrine diverges sharply from Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, and Islamic readings of Cain and Abel. Instead of the usual ambiguity about why Cain’s offering failed, Mormonism declares — with the certainty of a bishop who’s never read any other scripture — that Cain lacked faith, lacked sincerity, lacked righteousness, and possibly lacked good produce. Other traditions debate symbolism; Mormonism insists it was an obedience test with Jesus foreshadowing baked in.

She outlined the uniquely Mormon additions: Satan personally tutors Cain in Evil 101, the introduction of Master Mahan as the prototype of all future “secret combinations,” and the idea that organized global evil can be traced directly to Cain’s LinkedIn job title. Abish also highlighted how LDS materials have canonized Cain’s curse, his “mark,” and his role as the template for apostasy itself. And then, because this is GASP, she delivered the pièce de résistance: Master Mahan as a Joe Smith original, referenced twice in scripture and then never again, like a catchphrase from a failed 1830s sitcom.

History: [01:18:20]
Abigail kicked off a multi-week descent into the Satanic Panic, starting with the cultural soup of the 60s–80s: horror movies, the rise of the Religious Right, pop psychology’s obsession with “unlocking your inner trauma,” and the widespread misuse of hypnosis by therapists who should absolutely not have been allowed to possess clipboards.

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