331: What No One Tells You About Raising a Strong-Willed Child

If you're parenting a strong willed child, you're probably tired, frustrated, and maybe even wondering if you’re a terrible mother. I want you to know—you’re not. You’re raising a deeply feeling, fiercely independent person who doesn’t fit the mold... and that’s not a bad thing.

In this episode, I’m pulling back the curtain on what no one tells you about raising strong willed kids. Not only do I work with these kids every day—I am one. And I’ve raised them, too.

We’ll talk about how to avoid power struggles, why your child isn’t actually trying to make your life harder, and the daily practices that truly work.

Why does my child push back on everything?

Strong willed kids don’t “misbehave” in the traditional sense. They crave autonomy, understanding, and respect—and when they don’t get those things, their behavior can come across as defiant or dramatic.

I’ve seen it in my own kids, and I lived it myself. I was the kid who needed to understand why before I could comply. My son Giancarlo is the same way—he’s not being oppositional, he’s genuinely curious. That persistence can feel exhausting, but it’s the same trait that helps him thrive in science today.

What looks like opposition is often just a need for clarity. These kids are thinkers. Leaders. Problem-solvers. We just have to help them use their power in productive ways.

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What should I do when we’re locked in a power struggle?

Power struggles are a sign your child feels dismissed or disconnected. And the harder you push, the more they’ll dig in.

Instead of reacting with control, I’ve learned to invite collaboration. When your child has a strong opinion, acknowledge it. Say something like, “You clearly feel strongly about this, and I respect that. Let’s figure it out together.”

When I give my kids choices instead of demands, it lowers the temperature instantly. For example, rather than saying, “Put your shoes on now or you’re grounded,” I’ll say, “You can wear sneakers or sandals—up to you, but we need to leave in two minutes.”

A few small shifts that reduce power struggles:

• Replace ultimatums with choices
• Use “maybe” as a soft no when needed
• Don’t try to “win”—try to connect

What actually helps a strong willed child thrive?

These kids need boundaries—but not harsh ones. They need clarity, consistency, and above all, connection.

Traditional discipline often backfires. When we shame, lecture, or say things like “Why can’t you be like your brother?” we’re invalidating their emotions. That just leads to more resistance.

Instead, I focus on:

• Pre-agreed routines to avoid debates
• Natural consequences instead of punishment
• Explanations that teach, not lectures that shut down

Even teens benefit from visuals and gentle structure. And no matter the age, co-regulation is key. You can’t redirect until you’ve calmed the storm—in them and in yourself.

How can I keep my cool when my child constantly challenges me?

Let’s be honest—strong willed kids can trigger all our buttons. I’ve had moments where I’ve thought, “What am I doing wrong?” But I’ve learned to pause, breathe, and model the behavior I want to see.

I use humor a lot in our house. Squat-offs, silly voices—anything to break the tension. When I regulate myself first, I can help my kids find calm too. We walk it off together, breathe together, and talk things through—when everyone is ready.

🗣️ “You’re not being too soft by staying calm. You’re teaching self control by example.” —Dr....