Romanticizing the Drink: Grief Disguised As Craving

Autumn, my resident four‑legged princess, gave me her classic “Oh bother, Mom’s monologuing again” eye‑roll just as I hit record for my podcast episode today. My spirits were still buoyant from a lovely pool afternoon with two sober friends, so I ignored her pouty pooch protest.

The universe’s timing is beautiful. Yesterday I was yanked me out of the moment and straight into a technicolor flashback of me standing in front of a double fridge stuffed wall‑to‑wall with cheap cold ones under the roof of my late father-in-law’s shop. I got mentally stuck in the lure of the cozy and nostalgic comfort I felt back then. I snapped out of it feeling, fearful that I’d let myself romanticize that stockpile of endless beer.

Fast forward to this morning’s meetings, which coincidentally were about remembering our last drunk and Step 1. So, I ran the tape forward and wrote down where drinking led me. I couldn’t stand up in the shower or while getting ready for work, drank in rush‑hour traffic both ways, did the worm on Shenanigans’ dance floor (gracefully, I’m sure). Shame surged as I allowed these thoughts to surface, but clarity followed. It wasn’t the beer in that fridge I was missing last night. It was my late father-in-law who called me daughter and made every visit feel like home. Grief was the ache beneath the craving, and naming it anchors me in my sobriety. Today I leaned on a team bigger than myself to get that story to its proper ending. My psychiatrist, 2 AA meetings, 2 sober friends, and yes, one judgy Weimaraner helped me process my pain. Sometimes pain is required for growth.

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