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5.0 out of 5 starsDo not let the title fool you.
Reviewed in the United States on April 2, 2020
On a really personal note, I was really trying to apply the "tool" of forgiveness to somethings that happened to me that were just unforgiveable acts. This book helped me to understand the ingredients of forgiveness and provided other options when all of those ingredients are not available. Do not let the title fool you. This is an amazing book laid out really simple concepts. The situations and concepts that did not apply to my situation, I was able to acknowledge and move on. It provided talking points with my therapist & I was able to move on from a lot of things that were road blocks to my healing. Hope this review is helpful.
5.0 out of 5 starsMore valuable than silver and gold
Reviewed in the United States on March 7, 2019
Other reviews can tell you about the content of the book. I am simply here to say that this book is more precious to me than silver and gold. If you are struggling, carrying a heavy load of anger or resentment - read this book! Likewise, if you are the one who needs forgiveness - read this book! Do whatever you need to do to get a copy. Read it, mark it up, read it again, refer back to it. I love this book for how it has helped me, and I am so grateful to the author for it.
5.0 out of 5 starsSO HELPFUL- INSIGHTFUL- ON TARGET. I didn't think a book could help the amount of pain I have been feeling, but this one did.
Reviewed in the United States on March 18, 2015
OUTSTANDING. I have been stuck trying to forgive my husband and as I read this book. This book warns against "cheap forgiveness" (sweeping the problem under the rug) and gets into the heart of how different types of people handle pain and anger, where it comes from and what to do about it. In this book I not only understood myself better but also my husband, my mother, children and others and how they handle their feelings. I have read numerous books and have even done some counseling in my earlier years and rarely get excited about a book. However, this is definitely one of the most helpful and on target books I have seen. It is well-written in that it is simple, straightforward and very easy to read. Many people in 12-step programs would benefit, and even more if they are not. You will likely find and understand yourself in this book as well as those you love, including the person/people who hurt you. This book will help you heal yourself and your current (and future) relationships, including with the person who hurt you, whether you decide to work things out with them or move on and let them go, I am buying additional copies of this one for my children.
I was so confused and stuck and so glad I picked this up. I thank the authors for helping me find some peace during one of the most difficult and painful times in my life.
I’m not a fan of forgiving someone who isn’t sorry. This book is for a doormat who has lost themselves. No one gets points for that in life. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. A better concept would be to learn to set boundaries and know what your dealbreakers are.
5.0 out of 5 starsPuts a different spin on forgiveness
Reviewed in the United States on September 24, 2013
I have been a state court trial judge for almost 17 years, trying all types of felony cases, rape, capital murder,kidnapping, assault, arson you name it.
In that time I have seem victims and victim's families trying to cope with horrible things that have been done to them. Often, the worst thing done to them is our Christian guilt trip that they are obliged to forgive the criminal that committed some terrible crime against them. 90% of the time, the criminal refuses to apologize, say he is sorry, or ask for forgiveness. I have seen families destroyed because they think they have to forgive some monster for killing their child.
So a few years ago I discovered "How Can I Forgive You?" book and it made a lot of since. Some people do not want, ask, or deserve to be forgiven. I, as the judge, am not in the forgiveness business that is for God. So, I purchased some of these books and when my heart tells me (as it did today)that somebody is really is in pain over this, I give them this book. I hope it helps. A murder victim's son told me she had been trying to forgive the killer for 3 years but after reading this book she was at peace.
I don't see a lot of peace in my profession but maybe in a small way this book has brought some people a little of it.
2.0 out of 5 starsThere are many good books out there but this is not one of ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 23, 2014
I'm currently reading around forgiveness for some work I am preparing. There are many good books out there but this is not one of them for several reasons.
The editorial decision to attribute male gender to the `Offender' and female to the `Hurt party' throughout the book is inexcusable. It really gets in the way of trying to hear what the author is saying without drawing attention to itself everytime the author does it, several times on each page. What a way to alienate half of your audience. When I started reading I thought I must have missed the bit on the back cover that said "A book for women about how to forgive." Seriously. I stopped reading the book and scoured the blurb and even the Amazon reviews.
Secondly, the structure of the book, comprising as it does of four levels of forgiveness, of which (i think the author is saying) only one really counts is both clumsy and contrived. Some of the levels are not forgiveness issues at all but assertiveness issues.
Finally, the approach adopted by the author in the retelling of her intervening in her clients forgiveness work feels highly directive, even confrontational. This might just be a stylisitc thing but in my on coaching work I prefer a more facilitative apporach where the client is invited to consider their own narratives and how they might be affected by the stories they tell. There's a bit too much of "I did, I said, I asked" in this. The result is, unfortunately, that we are pulled up and we ask Is this about forgiveness, or is it about you?
There are some good points in here but they are drowned out by that bizarre gender attribution and the author getting in her own way with a structure that does not make sense and her own high handed approach to aim for a perfect "Qualifying" forgiveness.
My unwillingness to forgive my remorseful husband after his lenghty affair prompted me to get this book. It has been useful in understanding her concepts of "acceptance" versus "forgiveness" that give you more options than just forgiving and forgetting. I am still struggling to forgive him even after reading this book several times, but it HAS helped me to focus my anger on what needs to be done by him to get forgiveness and by me to grant it. Worth a read for anyone who wants to forgive but can't.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 15, 2010
I found this book to be full of American hyperbole. Also, very many heavily religious references. I bought it, intending to lend it to my clients - I am a counsellor - who have experienced betrayal or loss of trust, but it isn't suitable.
I really don't think that it contains useful advice or anything that would comfort an anguished person.
Amazing book... Very insightful and highly recommended to those having to wrestle with the worst kind of betrayal from a loved one and friend. Helped me put things in perspective, understand what I was feeling and allowed me to moved forward. Sometimes you can't forgive... but you must accept.